There have been more times than not with the pregnancy that I have found myself
saying over and over the Serenity Prayer:
"Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and wisdom to know the difference."
These words I found hard to repeat after the loss of my son in Feb.
It wasn't that these words didn't come to mind, but it was the anger that I found deep within
my soul that wouldn't allow it to happen.
Instead of asking for the serenity to accept what I couldn't change, it was an almost demand to change what had happened.
The only courage that I found was to yell, cry, and eat my feelings; not change my attitude.
My wisdom didn't come until weeks later when I was able to face what happened to me.
One thing was for certain, these "feelings" didn't come all at once or at the same time.
They came days, weeks, and months later.
I asked God on a daily basis "why" and "how"
In asking those questions, I go nowhere other than turning further away from Him.
I needed answers and needed them right in that moment.
What it something that I did?
Was this Karma from something I didn't do?
Am I not going to be a good enough mother?
Did my husband and I fight and the baby didn't want to stay with us?
These questions, looking back now, are awful.
If you have said these questions to yourself, you are not alone in that.
Many think that they did something that caused the loss of their baby.
Looking on "Dr. Google" didn't make matters any better.
I longed for others like me and what they were thinking.
Facebook became my saving grace.
I found a group on there
"Loved Baby"
The closed group gave me the safety to say what I was feeling, to see that I was no alone.
To say that I was made, hurt, and terrified to get pregnant again.
In finding this group and reading others comment by the minute I knew those thoughts that I had,
were not just my thoughts.
When you loose a baby before the second trimester, doctors most of the time say:
It's most likely caused by chromosomal abnormalities.
I couldn't except that answer; it wasn't enough.
It felt like the easy way out for the doctors.
Finding that wasn't our case didn't make it easier, but I knew he was going to be healthy.
Those thoughts that I did something came stronger and stronger,
but knew that was not the case day by day.
Some find that it was an abnormality and that makes it easier to stomach.
While others, like myself, are left with no answers.
No matter what the feeling of failure lingers for most.
Something came over me after each week.
Sometimes it was anger and others pure emptiness.
I would yell at people for no reason, cry while sitting in my car, and then just be silent.
It was a roller coaster that I couldn't get off of.
What did not make things easier were what others would say.
Their advise ranged from, it happens to maybe you didn't pray hard enough.
This is something that no one wants to hear.
What I truly needed in those moments was pure quiet and a warm embrace.
I didn't want or need advise at that time.
I didn't want to be bothered.
I simply just wanted to be alone unless someone was going to just hold me and say nothing.
I started to turn to the group more and more and finally decided to share my story.
Finding that Mother's Day was coming up that is when I decided to share about the loss.
It was more for all of the other Mother's that felt like I did that day, lost.
I found that in that group it was "hope" that others wanted.
In June Sarah Philpott came out saying there was going to be a book release for "loved baby."
I immediately jumped at the chance to share something that would help others heal.
Since that day, my book arrived and as I read page after page of what I was feeling I knew it was going to be special.
I want to share with one person this book.
A book that has stories of loss, how to cope, grieve, and cherish that child that you or someone you know has lost.
This book talks about everything that I wish would be talked about.
When you have a loss you loose who you are too, that is talked about.
Trying to find all the answers, that's there too.
Those questions that you have about intimacy, how to reconnect with your spouse, and how to help dad out too.
If you would like to be put into this drawing, please send me an email at gretchen.magoto@gmail.com.
I will then pick a winner at the beginning of Nov.
If you wish to purchase this book on your own you can find the link here:
This bundle includes the book and a bracelet.
On the bracelet is a Sterling Silver heart and a charm that says loved.
This book has opened my eyes and spoke directly to my heart.
The words are kind, calming, and easy on a hurting soul.
Each day is a new day and I pray for your healing, your heart to become whole, and your baby to be remembered.
You are not alone and this book will show you that.
#LOVEDbaby
