Trying to Forget

Today has been a day of trying to forget.

Remembering a time in your life that has hard, but from many years ago.

One of my Grandfather's passed away 14 years ago today.  Looking back at that time I didn't quiet understand what was going on even if I was old enough too.

I have lost people before, but not like this.

As we get older we tend to understand more clearly what is happening.  We won't be able to see them, hear them, or touch them ever again.  We can close our eyes and see what they were, watch videos to hear their voice, and hold on to what they have touched.  these things will never replace or come close to how it was.

It has always been said that with death comes new life.  For every life given one must be taken.  We all have a death sentence.  I mean we hear these all of the time, but do we really believe it?

All but the last one can be taken how one wants.

As I look at social media tonight there was someone that announced that they were expecting (no surprise there) yet on another part further down, one person had lost a loved one.  I can see how that statement can be true.  I hate that it might be, but either way you have to decide it for yourself.

I will always have a hard time this with day, no matter the time in my life.  Fourteen years later and I still remember the day as if it were today.  Most of us have a hard time remembering the good, but never the bad.  Our world would be a better place if we remember all of the good, and only few bad.

I know that what I am going through will stay with me all of my life.  it might not be the worst thing and there might be others that are going through worse, but for me not having children is the worst.

For my family losing a parent is the worst.  For those that knew my Grandfather he was one of a kind.  Kind soul, caring, loving, and didn't have much to say, but when he did you listened,  I wish my husband would have gotten to meet him, but that would have been almost 10 years later.

I always wonder what my Grandfather would think about me now.  Would he be proud?  Would he be able to give me advise about what I should do?  Would things still be the same?

There are times that I just wish I could see him, hear him, and get a hug.  That is where those stairs to Heaven would be nice.  However, I have not found those and the closest thing that I will ever get to those things is in my dreams.

I pray for those that are bringing life into this world for you need to know how short life really is.

You need to understand that you will have struggle and that you should understand that going into this.

Make sure that you understand that God has given you this life because he can.  Take care of it and yourself, because life is short.

If you leave with only a few things from this make sure those things are.  Love your loved ones and hold them close, you never know when it will be "that" time.  Understand that life can be given, but also taken at any point also.  That baby that you have means that you are lucky and blessed.

Detour

My last "blog" was back in April of 2015..WOW!

So much has changed in that almost year.  I need to get better about writing like I said I would.

Here is the quick update on what has been going on with me.  Still NO baby, however I have now found out more to the reason why.

In Aug of 2015 I decided that my doctor was not doing enough and I wanted to get a second opinion as to what could be going on.  My husband was getting ready to deploy for the second time and wanted some type of answer before he left.  Knowing how I felt for so many years and in the back of my mind why...those suspicions were confirmed.  My new doctor was amendment to get me into surgery to confirm that I had.....ENDOMETRIOSIS.

My husband had left in Sept 2015 and in the same month had surgery.  This was only to take about an hour and a half.  They make a few keyhole incisions, go in by robot, look for growth outside of the uterus.  Well, 3 hours later I finally was out of surgery.  It was evident that I had the worst of the worst....Stage 4 Endometriosis.

Most people have a small hint of "Endo" and most never know that they have it.  Then there are people like myself that know, but suffer in silence because it is "normal" or "in your head."  

***If you feel that you have this PUSH PUSH PUSH to be checked.

After I had my surgery I spent the a few weeks making sure that I was recovering the right way.  I could tell a huge difference in how I was feeling each month.  That was until my doctor wanted us to try in October for a baby and if that didn't work then I would have to start birth control in Dec.

Fast forward to December since we didn't get pregnant.  I was put on Lupron.  A shot that would stop me from having a cycle for a month, then I would take another one in Jan that would last for three months.  In Dec, I received my first shot, still had a cycle (fun.) In Jan had another shot, no cycle.  I thought hey this is going to work after all.  I was wrong....again!  :( 

That brings everyone up-to-date to where I sit right now.  My husband is still deployed and won't be home until late summer.  I am still having cycles.  Still have no baby.

I ask myself daily Why? Why not? How? Why you and not me? It sounds selfish, but put yourself in my shoes.  I have been with my husband for almost 10 years this year and married for almost 7.  Out of those 7 years we have been trying for 5 years.  Most of our friends are starting on their third child, while we still sit and wait for one.

I am bitter.  There I said it.  I am an angry and bitter person now.  When we started it was an adventure.  Five years later, I want to drop kick every person that "didn't try" to get pregnant.  I'm sorry, but if you aren't on birth control, using protection, and still having "adult time" then you are trying.  Go ahead and tell yourself that you aren't, but you are.  Seeing people that have been married all of a split second, that aren't even on their own, have never had a struggle, and they are pregnant.  I mean come on!!!!  Tell me how I wouldn't be bitter.

Then to put the cherry on top, my sister; who has only recently started getting her life together, told me that she was going to try to get pregnant starting in Sept of this year also.  From the time that we were little she never wanted kids, but now BAM she does.

Most of my days I am walking around with a smile on my face, but on the inside there is nothing.

It's almost as black as the black hole.  

My heart hurts, my eyes are never dry, pain is constant, and no motivation.  When I pray it is to take the pain away and for my husband to find happiness that I can't give to him.

I will never be alright with never being able to have our own children.  There is something that being able to create something from the one that you love most in the world and something from you that is special.

Knowing when I was little that wanting to always be a wife and mother is what I wanted more than life, now not being able to be a mother and just a wife, is heartbreaking and soul crushing.

When God made us, he knew what he was doing.  We don't know his plan, if I did I'm sure that I wouldn't be writing this.  My husband, love him I really do, but we all have those days where we just want to smack them, told me that this has made me a bitter and heartless person.  It has, I'll be honest, the first step is to admitting that you have a problem and I do.

This is what I have to say.  When going to my meeting the other weekend, my radio stopped on a sermon that was being told.  I never listen to these things and to be honest I tried to change the station more than once for I didn't want to hear the message, but it wouldn't budge.  The message was about road blocks and detours.  We have all come across them at one point or another in driving.  I never thought about it in my life.  The pastor was talking about how when we see a detour we take it right there so we don't get lost, we follow the signs, and eventually get to where we are going.  Then there are others, who keep going to the very last minute and turn in the direction that they need to go, follow that until they come to a cross, turn, continue until finally you have to get out a map to see where you are.  Once you get out the map you realize that you should have just followed the detour signs, but you finally after more time than you should have, you find your destination.  

I finally realized that maybe I am the second person.  I try to see how close I can get to something and not just follow the signs.  There are times that when looking for something we miss what is right in front of us to begin with.  We spend all of our time and energy on what we want and not what we have.  Right now I am just lost in the middle of nowhere and I have to get my map out to find my way to where I am going.

If you have read all of this, I'm surprised and glad.  If you take only one thing from all of this, don't be bitter and heartless, you will find your way back from the road block.  In the meantime, enjoy the ride, for when you do reach your destination, you will be able to get out, stretch your legs, and enjoy the reward of finding your way.