Being Me

I knew that I said I would look at everyday as a miracle, but today is hard.

You know, I sit here and wait, and wait, and wait, while other people do whatever they do with their lives.

People get married, have kids, do vacations, whatever they do.  I have been with my husband 10 years this year and married for 7.  I have spent 5 years of that waiting, and 3 years without him.

Now being military...well, it is hard.  It has its great moments; then it has it terrible ones.  Trying to have a family has been the struggle that will never go away.  I will never feel the happiness of a + on a test, I will never get to feel kicks, I will never get to have kids, and my husband will never be able to put his hands on my belly to feel movements...unless it is gas.  That is what is wrong.

Kids (under 21) just pop out kids and they really don't understand how things are done.  Now I feel that people that have things given to them shouldn't be able to get everything that want in life and have to struggle at some point.  Now I know what you are thinking "Man, this lady is mean." No, it's not that.  You try sitting by year after year, month after month, week after week, day after day, test after test, and cry yourself to sleep.

I will never be able to say that I have given life to something in this world.  The only thing that depends on me is my dog and that only happens when my husband isn't here.  I have no one that depends on me.  I'm sure that if I didn't answer my phone for a few days people would honestly think that I just didn't want to be bothered and that would be that.  I could run away and the only person that might wonder where I could have gone would be my husband.

I dislike most females for the reason they have better hair (no grey) can do makeup, and most can have kids.  I hate the ones that get a family without even trying.  That is where most "kids" fall.  I am sure that no matter if I tried in my teens or now that I would ever have my family.  I have faith that one day we may have that family...by adoption and nothing else.

 

This is where being military comes into play.  Now, it takes two to tango.  This means that no matter what you have to have the supplier to get the goods.  This also means that if one isn't home then it doesn't work out.  SO...every day, week, month, and year that he is gone is more waiting.  Waiting for a hug, kiss, smile, and yes a family of our own,

I feel that one must be ahead of the game when it comes to having kids.  This means, having a house, some money, a clue as to how much things cost, and not run to mommy and daddy when things get hard.  I feel that this is the case with a few people that I know.  It isn't a checklist, it is a ready list.  This is how my "list" went. 

Find someone who loves me and that I can't spend a day without talking to. 

Finish college. 

Get a job that pay bills, but doesn't suck the life out of me. 

Get married. 

Buy a house. 

Make that house into a home. 

Travel some. 

Start a family. 

Get some grandkids. 

Retire. 

Spend time sitting on the porch with my husband and just relax.

Meet my maker.

So far  half that list is done and I feel that I will meet my maker before kids will be in the picture.  I don't even feel that I will spend time sitting on a porch with my husband relaxing.  With how our country is going....we won't see retirement.

See what I am saying is that life isn't going to a plan and well I NEED THAT PLAN.  I hate not knowing things, but what I feel is that I will not have four of those things on that list.  I'll let you figure out what the last one is.  I miss my husband and trying to have kids is all pressure.  There will never be a time that I would be alright with not having kids of my own.  Even if we did adopt a part of me would still feel not complete.

So for now, I wait again, wonder, think, and cry until I get those hugs, kisses, and smiles.

Miracles

***Full Discloser: I am not getting paid to endorse a movie and there may be a spoiler.***

I am going to start off by saying that this post will be unlike the others that I have done before, but will have the same feel to them.

There are times in ones life that pushes you to do something or think something that is not normal or those around you will think are crazy.

Today I went to see the movie Miracles from Heaven.  Now normally I will watch this type of movie in the comfort of my own home.  I will silently judge the truth of what is behind it and tear it apart trying to make sense of it.  This did not happen today.

Now I have been honest that my faith has been...well...tested and pushed to where I almost have none.  This movie today made me get a giant chunk of it back.  Faith is defined as having complete trust or confidence in someone or something.  I have always been a believer, but have lacked faith.

This movie started out by saying what faith is, it talked about faith, and how the mother of the daughter had pretty much lost hers, also how she couldn't pray anymore.  I understand this more than what I should.

When things started to progress to where the little girl was in and out of the hospital, test after test, and just not wanting to live; something in me clicked.  There are so many times that I think that I have it hard, that I can't keep going.  There is always someone that has it worse.  As hard as that is to think about, it's the sad truth.

When the little girl came home the doctor told the mother "The best medicine is family."  There are often times that we push those that we love away, thinking that we are broken, that there is nothing that they can do for us.  Now I am not saying that I understand what she was going through, because I don't.  I just know what my own trials are like.  Let me continue...

This little girl was close to death, you could see it, you can read about it, and most of all she could tell.  When she fell down into the tree that was 30 feet deep.  It took countless hours to get her out and during those hours all her mother could hear was that her little girl was thought to be dead.  Think about that for a minute.  Dead is defined as no longer living and absolute.  This was her child and that was all she could hear.  The one thing that she thought to do other than cry was to go to the tree that her daughter was in and pray the prayer that Christ Jesus taught us.

*For those of you that don't know this is the Lord's Prayer*

She put her hands on the tree and kept saying it over and over, others joined her, and prayed.

This act spoke to my heart.  I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  After all of this they showed at the end what others going through to help someone in need.  Someone taking the time out to stop a game to make someone feel better, someone looking and seeing that she was sick to take a day off to show them around, someone to come over in the middle of the night while they have a baby themselves to help out a friend, a receptionist that could have lost her job for helping out, a travel agent for messing up the system when he heard a child was dying, these acts are nothing short of a Miracle.

A miracle is defined as a surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency. 

The mother went on to give a speech at church and quoted Albert Einstein.  He said "There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle."  Now as you saw by the definition of what a miracle that those acts that I stated before could be just the kindness of ones heart, but they could also be a miracle.

Albert Einstein was right.  I lived my life as if nothing in my day is a miracle, instead of everything being a miracle.

When I left the movie theater I couldn't help but think what if I looked at everything through the eyes of this child.  She had said that no one has to believe that she went to heaven, but they will understand in time.

Faith, Miracles, God, Jesus, Prayer.  These things are something that I should live everyday, not just I, but all should live.  When you see someone with their head down, say hello.  You could save their life, who knows what they are thinking at that moment.  A smile is contagious in the best of ways.  If you see that someone is sick, put them on your heart.  Lift them up in your prayers.

At the end of the movie, after the credits started to roll, a lady behind me said one of the things that you only see on the news, those things where people pray outside of the theater, type things.  Four words that I hear only at church, when I do go.  Praise be to God.  Those four words on top of the movie moved mountains in my world today.

The one negative thing that came from the movie that stayed and will stay with me in a way is a group of people saying what if someone in their family had sinned and this was preventing this little girl from getting better.  Who says that?  :(  However, I have heard this before myself.  What if you have done something in your life that is a sin that is preventing you from getting pregnant.  What if you aren't praying the right way.  What if your husband isn't really praying for the both of you.

We live in a world where it is alright to wear absolutely nothing and be praised for it, but you can't pray at dinner in public without be ashamed.  Now, do I pray in public, as bow my head, hold hands with those around me, and say Amen out loud.  That answer would be a no.  However, what you don't see is my saying Thank You for letting me have another meal, letting me afford this meal where others can't.

I am going to leave you with this, try and do something selfless for someone else.  This movie is something that I know that I needed and going forward will be trying to live my life as if everything is a miracle, just as you should.