Being Me

I knew that I said I would look at everyday as a miracle, but today is hard.

You know, I sit here and wait, and wait, and wait, while other people do whatever they do with their lives.

People get married, have kids, do vacations, whatever they do.  I have been with my husband 10 years this year and married for 7.  I have spent 5 years of that waiting, and 3 years without him.

Now being military...well, it is hard.  It has its great moments; then it has it terrible ones.  Trying to have a family has been the struggle that will never go away.  I will never feel the happiness of a + on a test, I will never get to feel kicks, I will never get to have kids, and my husband will never be able to put his hands on my belly to feel movements...unless it is gas.  That is what is wrong.

Kids (under 21) just pop out kids and they really don't understand how things are done.  Now I feel that people that have things given to them shouldn't be able to get everything that want in life and have to struggle at some point.  Now I know what you are thinking "Man, this lady is mean." No, it's not that.  You try sitting by year after year, month after month, week after week, day after day, test after test, and cry yourself to sleep.

I will never be able to say that I have given life to something in this world.  The only thing that depends on me is my dog and that only happens when my husband isn't here.  I have no one that depends on me.  I'm sure that if I didn't answer my phone for a few days people would honestly think that I just didn't want to be bothered and that would be that.  I could run away and the only person that might wonder where I could have gone would be my husband.

I dislike most females for the reason they have better hair (no grey) can do makeup, and most can have kids.  I hate the ones that get a family without even trying.  That is where most "kids" fall.  I am sure that no matter if I tried in my teens or now that I would ever have my family.  I have faith that one day we may have that family...by adoption and nothing else.

 

This is where being military comes into play.  Now, it takes two to tango.  This means that no matter what you have to have the supplier to get the goods.  This also means that if one isn't home then it doesn't work out.  SO...every day, week, month, and year that he is gone is more waiting.  Waiting for a hug, kiss, smile, and yes a family of our own,

I feel that one must be ahead of the game when it comes to having kids.  This means, having a house, some money, a clue as to how much things cost, and not run to mommy and daddy when things get hard.  I feel that this is the case with a few people that I know.  It isn't a checklist, it is a ready list.  This is how my "list" went. 

Find someone who loves me and that I can't spend a day without talking to. 

Finish college. 

Get a job that pay bills, but doesn't suck the life out of me. 

Get married. 

Buy a house. 

Make that house into a home. 

Travel some. 

Start a family. 

Get some grandkids. 

Retire. 

Spend time sitting on the porch with my husband and just relax.

Meet my maker.

So far  half that list is done and I feel that I will meet my maker before kids will be in the picture.  I don't even feel that I will spend time sitting on a porch with my husband relaxing.  With how our country is going....we won't see retirement.

See what I am saying is that life isn't going to a plan and well I NEED THAT PLAN.  I hate not knowing things, but what I feel is that I will not have four of those things on that list.  I'll let you figure out what the last one is.  I miss my husband and trying to have kids is all pressure.  There will never be a time that I would be alright with not having kids of my own.  Even if we did adopt a part of me would still feel not complete.

So for now, I wait again, wonder, think, and cry until I get those hugs, kisses, and smiles.