A Letter to You

Dear Son,
I can’t believe that nine months ago we found out that we were expecting you. You made yourself
known right away by making me sick and exhausted, but at the same time joyous. After years of trying to get you, there you were. I could hardly keep my calm as we walked into the doctor office to see you. After years of only looking at wasn’t there, there you were. No bigger than a minute, but a heartbeat that will always be with me. You were small, measuring almost a week behind, but we thought that was a normal thing since we weren’t very big ourselves. We were so excited to see you that day that we didn’t even record your heartbeat until later. A sound that makes me realize now, is one of the best sounds in the world. We left that day with a due date of September 2nd. Wow, how perfect could that be? A week after your dad and a week before me. Labor Day weekend. We even joked about what a whole new meaning that weekend would bring. We immediately started to make plans for you. How we would tell people, when we would announce, how we would announce, your name, and started to think if you were a girl or a boy, and what our lives would be like with you in it. For weeks, we kept it a secret, only telling those closest to us. A few friends and family members, which was hard since we found out about you during Christmas, our little present, a gift from God.

We put all of our hopes and dreams into you, even when we knew the risks. I’ll never forget the day I
found out that you were no longer soulfully with me, only physically. Your heartbeat gone, no moving of your arms or legs on the screen, you were just silent and peaceful. My heart in that moment shattered like a mirror being thrown across the room. How could I, your mother, not know you were gone? However, I did know and that was why I went in that day and I have to remind myself of that. I went home thinking about what you would have been doing in your life, what you would have looked like, and most of all who you were. My heart hurt not for me or for my husband, but for you and what you could have been in this world.

I carried you knowing that you were gone for days, in the hopes that you would come on your own, but just like in the beginning, you were stubborn. I had to have a surgery that hurt deep into my soul, heart, and mind that will always hurt. I remember some of that day, but what stood out in my mind was the pain. When I asked why so bad, the answer I got was,"honey, those are contractions." Contractions, really, these things that were causing ever bone in my body to hurt? I knew right then what they had given me. Something to induce labor something to make you physically gone from me.

I talked to everyone that day that I passed in the hallway, thinking that maybe I wasn’t nice enough for you to be here. I made jokes, laughed, and then it hit me as the last contraction came; sleep. When I woke up from that pain killers were given, a counselor sat beside me, and my picture of your dad and me in my hand. As soon as I looked at the counselor I cried. I cried for you to be back with me, I cried for the empty future without you, and knew I was empty and no longer connected to you. All that was said to me was that this was going to be hard living without you, take time to process this, and it is ok to not be ok.

Oh baby, was that lady right. It took months for me to feel "normal" again. Not normal in a mental
sense, but physical. I turned more mad than sad, more bitter than sweet, and wanted nothing to do
with people. All I wanted was you back. I wanted to find out who you were and if you were sick. Turns out you were a boy and not sick at all. A boy. A son that we knew you would be. Rowdy, dirty, sweet, brown hair, eyes that matched us both, long fingers and toes, and killer smile. These things are all of what I imagined about you in the moment they told me. It was harder knowing that you were a boy for some, but for me easier so I could name you. Dell Vee Magoto. This was not on our list for you and came to me one day in a wave of comfort. After this name didn’t leave me I had to look up the meanings of them. Dell means Valley and Vee means Sacred Place. How fitting for a little boy that I’m sure wanted to know why he wasn’t with his mother and father.

Dell I want you to know that I think about you every day. My "hopes"  you have changed in more
ways than you know. I hope that you are proud of us. I hope that you are being loved and taken care
of. I hope you will always see the good in people and are being friendly. I hope you are keeping your
great-grandparents on their toes. Above all of those things, I hope that you are showing those that
couldn’t be parents here on Earth what it is like to be a parent in Heaven.

While I am sad that we weren’t the first to see you, I am happy that the first person you saw was Jesus. I see you in everything that I do. I see you in the butterfly that is purple that follows us around the yard. I see you in the sunset and sunrise. I see you in my dreams and in my heart. I see you when I start to feel overwhelmed and sad in the random rainbows and rainstorms that aren’t on radar. I want you to know that I see you all around.

Thank you for letting me be your mother even for a short time. Thank you for teaching me love at literally first sight and sound. Thank you for bringing your father and I closer together. I can’t wait to see you, hold you, love you, and watch you grow. Until that time, please continue to show me you are around.

I love you Dell Vee

Always,
Your Earth Bound Mother