It's Infertility

 Over the last seven years it has been brought up about what does infertility look like. 

It could be your neighbor, a friend, a co-worker, or a family member.  Would you know by looking at them? The answer will most likely be a no, not likely.

I have seen more negative tests than I have positive in those seven years and within that time brought home a beautiful, smart, and sometimes sassy daughter. 

It looks like an every day person trying to just make it through the day with little to no answers, but more tears and frustrations.  It’s not what the saying was when growing up “first comes love, then comes marriage, then a baby in a baby carriage.” It’s more like—first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes debt, 20-pound weight gain, and a dozen test.  

It’s trying to manifest something that you know won’t be there. 

 It’s making sure that you are taking care of yourself even when you are breaking on the inside. 

It’s forcing a smile when someone asks how you are when you are really crying on the inside. 

 It’s having that hole in your heart knowing that you just want kids or more kids but can’t. 

 It’s trying to find that one song that you can resonate with, looking for signs, and wishing on stars.

 It’s trying to find the words when someone asks how you keep pushing on when really all you want to do is give up.  

It’s 500 shots and weeks on end of trying to make sure that you not only get pregnant, but so once you are that you stay pregnant. 

 It’s trying to guard your heart so when it doesn’t happen you don’t hurt as much. 

It’s guarding your heart for when you do get pregnant you know that it could be taken with you just as fast. 

 It’s watching the lines on a positive test fade each day until nothing is left. 

It could be having your child ask for a sibling when that is all you want to give them, but you can’t. 

 It’s learning how not to only mix and administer meds, but also learning what each one does and why.

 It’s watching your family cope with your “shortcomings” of trying to become more than just a two-person or three-person family and being helpless.

  It’s trying to find others that are dealing with this.  Seeing if their lines look the same, if your numbers match theirs, are things going the right way, what procedures everyone else had, and trying to not get on Dr. Google.  

Infertility is trying to not be defined by a negative test. 

 Infertility was something that people did not want to talk about until celebrities started coming out that they too were facing these battles. 

 You don’t see those that suffer losses in the private of their own homes, but we smile and push on.  You see us out at the store as we muster a smile and you judge us for a messy bun and no makeup. 

The fathers are just as broken as the mothers, but don’t show it just to be strong.  They hide in the shower or cry on the way to work because they suffered too, but no one asks how they are. 

 It’s the nurse on the other line saying, “I’m sorry, but it didn’t work.” 

It’s the ultrasound technician saying, “I’m sorry there isn’t a heartbeat.”

 Never have I talked to a doctor during that time of when they should be there for you first.  It’s those “behind the scenes” people that take it just as hard as the family.  They see you every-other-day for weeks, months, and years that deliver the news to those that want nothing more that the good news.  You can tell when you answer you hear the sadness and hurt in their voice.  

It’s those around you telling you that it will happen when it happens, relax, pray, drink or don’t drink, lose weight, gain weight, or do you know what you are doing.  When really there is nothing more than you can do, but just be you.  

We talk about not asking, but do you really know why you shouldn’t?

 It’s for those around that have been trying for years, have failed adoptions, losses of their own, something that can be passed down to other generations, and struggles of failed treatments.  We put stress on ourselves to make sure that we have done and continue to do everything that we can possibly do to be better, to understand what is happening, but in the end still not understanding why it isn’t working. 

 It’s the keep doing the same thing over and over until it may just be it this time.

 It’s the pure hope that your dream comes true.

  Its doctors telling us the chances in percentages, but when really, they are just guessing as our bodies as trying to guess what we are going to do next. 

 Each day, week, and month that hole in your heart gets darker and deeper that just can’t be mended.

  Infertility is not just beat when you have a child it will always be part of your story that you tell your children for the hopes that they do not have to walk down the same path that you do.  It is a story that you tell others, so they don’t feel alone. 

 Every struggle is different but know that there are people out there that are willing to listen and tell you their story.  Everyone around won’t know your full story unless you tell them.  Our story is not the same as others, but it does include loss, heartbreak, trying over and over, but in the end worth it for the miracle that our daughter was born. 

Is our story of trying over? As of today, yes. It is a simple answer of not giving up but needing time.  Time to heal, time to get our lives back to where they were, time to get out of this dark hole that this journey has brought us, and time to just be us.

 I wouldn’t change where we started, where our path took us, and where we ended up, however I would change how infertility is covered and viewed to many people. 

Speak up, be your own advocate, and keep doing what you feel is right.