Think before you ask

Think before you ask.  Daily there are questions that are asked, but no one knows the struggles that comes with those questions.  Understanding that not every question that you think should be asked.  Getting the question almost daily as to why one does not have children has become a routine for myself.  It is a game like hide and seek.  Hide and seek is God's way of showing us that if things are hidden in our life we must find them. Answers, questions, and frustrations. 

Think before you ask.  You see someone that has been married for years and still no children.  Maybe this is their choice and other times this is in God's plan.  I hear this on a monthly basis.  God does have a plan, but I feel that we should have a say in what our life is going to be.  Gandhi once said "You must be the change that you want to see in the world" What if in my world I see ourselves with 6 children, living in house that is just big enough, working for the things that we have, and still in love with each other as the day we met.  Shouldn't we have a choice.  There has to be a bigger plan in our life that what we see day after day.

Have you ever stood in one place and spun around in a circle with arms out until you almost fall down.  This is the life of someone trying to get pregnant that cannot.  There are those people that have trouble, I know, crazy.  After trying month after month, spinning in one place, doctor after doctor, more spinning.  Then out of nowhere everything stops, try to walk, sort things out, you fall...hard. Many people deal with this silent pain of getting back up and taking the hit again.  Many people I know have children and seemed to get pregnant by a sneeze, other couldn't get pregnant while standing on their head and pleading to the God's above.  We are those people.  After trying for months and getting the same results this is how the month would go. Track, period, sex, sex, sex, ovulate, sex, sex, wait, wait, wait, wait, day late, test, cry, rinse and repeat.  Most do not understand this, but those that have been trying you do. From a guys point of view I'm sure they are happy with all of the action they are getting, kinda like just finding out what they have and its magical power that it possess to us ladies that want a baby.  

I know that myself every time I see some lady that is going to have a baby I smile at them, but on the inside I want to throat punch them and run away crying.  Everyone that has struggled has at some point been in that unhappy place.  While everyone has started on their second, third, maybe fourth child, we sit at the baby shower silently sniffing the diaper filled with mystery chocolate acting happy.  I remember when I was getting married the lady in David's Bridal told the young lady she has "always a bridesmaid never a bride syndrome" well as we sniff that chocolate we have the "mother envy syndrome." We think we will never be a mother and that we are broken.  I like to say that I have baby fever, but my uterus thinks differently.  This takes the edge off when that person sees me buying yet another baby item that is not for myself. 

I get tired of the people that say you can have mine, that always go out, and use their children.  I would gladly take them for you do not know the struggles we carry.  I would stay home with the children for they are only here for a short time.  I would not use the children unless it was for the happiness of the family.  When you find someone that has the same burdens as you do there is a connection, not a small one, but a void seems to be filled.  There is a longing to just feel the love that is given, the longing to feel the moves, and the longing to make something that is both of you.  We live to feel loved, wanted, and needed this is who we are.  There are times that I drive my husband crazy for I do not know how he feels about the struggles that we have, what I do know is that leaning on each other will not make the craziness go away, but it will make us love each other more with every waking moment.

A wonderful life...

When I hear the attendant come on the radio and say something about turbulence I looked outside my window.  I could now start to feel plane jerk and creak with each move the pilot makes.  When I look out my window again, I know this will be an adventure.  Knowing that this was just a short trip but I know that not only my life will change but everyone's.  People will look back and wonder what we all thought and how we felt.

The clouds up here were pillows of silk who knew that down below we're fields and storms.  Up here we all were one with different stories and backgrounds.  I make small talk to the man beside me to distract myself from the churning stomach of mine. He is from California he asked where I was going. I lie and tell him home when really I'm going somewhere that I hope will not be my last destination. I have a feeling that he sees right past this and turn my head to look out my window again.  This time I notice a small break in the cloud cover and see a housing development.  I wonder if they even know we are up here.  I looked out further than just right out my window and see a cloud shaped like a mountain and beside that and ice cream cone with whip cream on top.  I wish I had food other than the small twisted hard dough that they wish to call a pretzel. The man beside me now is reading the bible I peek in the bible is a piece of paper that reads "stay clam and love God." I take this as God's way of saying everything will be alright.  The man comes on the radio again saying we will land within twenty. My heart leaps and then sinks back into my stomach.  I hate when we land almost as much as when we take off.  When we land everyone grabs their stuff like a lion pouncing on its prey. I sit and watch people leave and act like we don't know each other and never see each other again. I thank God for his message to stay calm, I will need it.

Military men and women coming home and leaving again. You can tell who the spouses and parents are when you see them.  On the next flight I sit beside a man that has been well for better of a word seasoned in the flying experience. He has the pillow, the headphones, the laptop, and no carry on.  He stays to himself and I'm happy about that; I have no need to make small talk with him and if I did he wouldn't know what I was saying anyway.  A few rows up I hear a baby laugh and I see one sleeping in the isle across from me.  This flight is cold unlike the first where it was steaming hot.  The clouds are clear, but I have a feeling that this will change. I can see the wing better on this flight also.  I love sitting next to the wing I can it move and always wonder how far we have come from from the first plane. This flight is the shortest I have been on with it only being 55 minutes long. All of the flight attendants are of Asian decent and speak English as if they were born here.  The one in red has a decent sense of humor telling people to lay down and sleep if they have the row to themselves.  As I look out of the window the sky has went completely white and that let's me know we are close to our destination.  It makes me wonder how they know where and how they are going and getting to where we need to go.

I still have not ate for the fear of being sick on a plane.  It is a wonder how I survive sometimes. The thought of landing makes me sick once again, but not as much as what will happen next. Getting my luggage. This is a struggle in itself for me since I weight as much as my luggage and it is as big as I am. People seem to not care and they watch you fight to get it off of the never-ending belt that rotates.  I don't know why they call it a baggage claim they should call it a workout while away from home. I'm sure the security personnel get a kick out of us doing this, they have a sick sense of humor.  Those that decide to pack their house, myself included, watch people pick everything up with ease. I hope that I will survive and not end up on the belt.  This time I have rented a car and we will see how this works out.  I drive a mid size car and the they have graciously provided us an SUV.  Not that I need it but with doing what I am doing my return trip well....it will be hell on earth. I will need the space in the car.

Every now and then I get a peek at the world below and it reminds me that we are part of something bigger.  What that something bigger is I have yet to find out.  I have many questions and it seems like no answers.

I hear the landing gear; this sound is the best knowing that I'm just a few short moments of being where I belong. This trip is hard for many reasons none that I can get into but not just for me but for a lot of people. It is bittersweet knowing what is going to happen.  Being me it isn't easy but I wouldn't have it another way. As I look down at the town below I wonder if that is where my husband is and hope he will return to.  I am happy for the experience that he has provided us with and everyday is different.  Many ask why I do this, the truth is I don't have to I want to.  I get to fall in love everyday and who wouldn't want that. See different places meet new people and try new things.  This is a dream and a nightmare rolled into one happy family.  This is our twisted happiness...kinda like my pretzel on my first flight.  Sometimes this life is hard, a little salty, sometimes twisted, but in the end it is wonderful.