Think before you ask

Think before you ask.  Daily there are questions that are asked, but no one knows the struggles that comes with those questions.  Understanding that not every question that you think should be asked.  Getting the question almost daily as to why one does not have children has become a routine for myself.  It is a game like hide and seek.  Hide and seek is God's way of showing us that if things are hidden in our life we must find them. Answers, questions, and frustrations. 

Think before you ask.  You see someone that has been married for years and still no children.  Maybe this is their choice and other times this is in God's plan.  I hear this on a monthly basis.  God does have a plan, but I feel that we should have a say in what our life is going to be.  Gandhi once said "You must be the change that you want to see in the world" What if in my world I see ourselves with 6 children, living in house that is just big enough, working for the things that we have, and still in love with each other as the day we met.  Shouldn't we have a choice.  There has to be a bigger plan in our life that what we see day after day.

Have you ever stood in one place and spun around in a circle with arms out until you almost fall down.  This is the life of someone trying to get pregnant that cannot.  There are those people that have trouble, I know, crazy.  After trying month after month, spinning in one place, doctor after doctor, more spinning.  Then out of nowhere everything stops, try to walk, sort things out, you fall...hard. Many people deal with this silent pain of getting back up and taking the hit again.  Many people I know have children and seemed to get pregnant by a sneeze, other couldn't get pregnant while standing on their head and pleading to the God's above.  We are those people.  After trying for months and getting the same results this is how the month would go. Track, period, sex, sex, sex, ovulate, sex, sex, wait, wait, wait, wait, day late, test, cry, rinse and repeat.  Most do not understand this, but those that have been trying you do. From a guys point of view I'm sure they are happy with all of the action they are getting, kinda like just finding out what they have and its magical power that it possess to us ladies that want a baby.  

I know that myself every time I see some lady that is going to have a baby I smile at them, but on the inside I want to throat punch them and run away crying.  Everyone that has struggled has at some point been in that unhappy place.  While everyone has started on their second, third, maybe fourth child, we sit at the baby shower silently sniffing the diaper filled with mystery chocolate acting happy.  I remember when I was getting married the lady in David's Bridal told the young lady she has "always a bridesmaid never a bride syndrome" well as we sniff that chocolate we have the "mother envy syndrome." We think we will never be a mother and that we are broken.  I like to say that I have baby fever, but my uterus thinks differently.  This takes the edge off when that person sees me buying yet another baby item that is not for myself. 

I get tired of the people that say you can have mine, that always go out, and use their children.  I would gladly take them for you do not know the struggles we carry.  I would stay home with the children for they are only here for a short time.  I would not use the children unless it was for the happiness of the family.  When you find someone that has the same burdens as you do there is a connection, not a small one, but a void seems to be filled.  There is a longing to just feel the love that is given, the longing to feel the moves, and the longing to make something that is both of you.  We live to feel loved, wanted, and needed this is who we are.  There are times that I drive my husband crazy for I do not know how he feels about the struggles that we have, what I do know is that leaning on each other will not make the craziness go away, but it will make us love each other more with every waking moment.