Worth the Wait?

Tonight I was looking back and reading my old blogs.  I was reminded of my journey that my husband have been on for over 3 years.

A journey for a baby.

The last time that I updated we weren't really doing anything other than trying to eat better and I was taking medication to help with some issues.  We tried IUI (intrauterine insemination).  Just like it sounds, it wasn't the best time.  We tried this four times and then were told that the only other chance to have a baby was to do IVF with ICSI.  Something that costs upwards of $12,000, if not covered by any insurance.

I felt my heart shatter that day.  Since that day it has almost been another year of trying.  If I had to count the amount of people that have had children or are pregnant now that met YEARS after my husband and I, well...I would be crying in that corner yet again and they would have to put me in a padded room.

During my medicated cycles I gain A LOT of weight.  Normally I weigh around 95 to 97 pounds, while on the medication I was around 107 that is a lot for me.  People honestly would see me out and did not know who I was.  During holidays people were asking if we were pregnant and I could see it in their faces as to happy they were going to be for us.  I wasn't and I was just fat.  I couldn't get into my own pants and had to buy maternity clothes to wear.

My family knows pretty much what is going on, some of my friends, and a few on my husbands side. I know that there are people on both sides that will end up pregnant, but those that I don't expect it to happen to, and those that are young and what I consider stupid...those are the ones that hurt.  Those that meet their "other half" and then get married and find out that they are expecting all in under four months...that dagger just digs in deeper.  Those that already have kids and have more...it hurts.

I have tried and tried to stay positive, be happy, not let it get to me, BUT, it is hard to let those things roll off your back when they do not know what you are dealing with.  My typical month while on the medicated cycles were:  Start cycle day 1, pills days 3-7, ultrasound, shots, ultrasound, IUI, rest for a day, pregnancy symptoms due to medication for two weeks, and then start over when it didn't work.  This takes a toll on your body and not to mention your mind.  I was moody, sick, bloated, and hungry.

Now, after three years you would think that I would be used to dealing with crap.  With my husband in the Army I know how to be flexible and deal with things that are thrown my way.  However, dealing with him being gone for months, trying to have a baby, him being on a deployment, trying again for a baby, and now another deployment...I CAN FINALLY SAY...UGHHH!!!!

Trying to have a baby is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do.  These are the things that they do not tell you about in school.  These are the things that parents do not talk about, most likely because they had you within a year of trying.  These are the things that NO ONE TALKS ABOUT.  People are ashamed of infertility....wait I said I have that term...being pregnancy challenged.

After Easter this year and finding out that yet ANOTHER person was pregnant (yes I mentioned this above about being stupid), I broke down.  I was hurt, broken, and mad.  I was mad at her, her family, me, my husband, but most of GOD.  Now as I have mentioned before GOD has been a struggle for me.

How can someone give those that just met, one night stands, on drugs, kids, but those that sit here like us and try year after year we get nothing.  I understand that there is a need for patience, but enough is enough.  I have turned into a bitter and unhappy person.  My husband and I honestly aren't the same in this area anymore.  It was fun for the first six months, now it is a chore to try.  We have tried not trying, tried trying, and not tried not trying to try to do anything.

Almost everyone now asks us about kids.  We avoid the conversation either all together or change the subject.  Everyone says wouldn't it be nice if you had kids before your husband left, or you'll understand when you have kids.  These types of comments hurt the worst.

This is where the title comes into play.  Is it worth the wait?

Is it honestly worth the pain that we have dealt with?

My answer always was a simple absolutely.

Now my answer has changed.  Understanding what it takes to become a parent, the worry, the selflessness, the sacrifice, and the time; my answer is still yes, but the hurt is not.  I cry because I may never know what it will be like to carry a child, to hold a newborn, having sleepless nights, being called mom, the first tooth, teaching them to ride a bike, play catch, go fishing, having them grow up to be like mom and dad, heartbreaks, first loves, graduations, weddings, and becoming grandparents.

These are the things that I will miss.  I pray not only for a child every day, but I pray for my husband to love me no matter what, kids or no kids.  I pray for morning sickness, swollen feet, backaches, and the biggest belly every.

In short I don't have to be happy for those that are pregnant, but I can smile and be happy that they are happy.  Will it make it easier for me...no, but it will make things better for everyone.  I don't have to be around them I don't have to understand why they were given a blessing and mine was taken.  What I do have to understand is that I have a husband that will love me no matter what, a family that will stick by me, and friends that will pick me up when I'm down.  I have come to know a lot of people that are dealing with the same thing and that has been nice to have people to talk to that understand.

One day I will find out why we have to wait for things.  Until then the wait will continue. So until it does happen I will write, talk, and not be quiet any longer.  We are just one couple dealing with infertility out of millions.  This is our story day by day about what happens, what we feel, and how I deal or I don't.