Being Me

I knew that I said I would look at everyday as a miracle, but today is hard.

You know, I sit here and wait, and wait, and wait, while other people do whatever they do with their lives.

People get married, have kids, do vacations, whatever they do.  I have been with my husband 10 years this year and married for 7.  I have spent 5 years of that waiting, and 3 years without him.

Now being military...well, it is hard.  It has its great moments; then it has it terrible ones.  Trying to have a family has been the struggle that will never go away.  I will never feel the happiness of a + on a test, I will never get to feel kicks, I will never get to have kids, and my husband will never be able to put his hands on my belly to feel movements...unless it is gas.  That is what is wrong.

Kids (under 21) just pop out kids and they really don't understand how things are done.  Now I feel that people that have things given to them shouldn't be able to get everything that want in life and have to struggle at some point.  Now I know what you are thinking "Man, this lady is mean." No, it's not that.  You try sitting by year after year, month after month, week after week, day after day, test after test, and cry yourself to sleep.

I will never be able to say that I have given life to something in this world.  The only thing that depends on me is my dog and that only happens when my husband isn't here.  I have no one that depends on me.  I'm sure that if I didn't answer my phone for a few days people would honestly think that I just didn't want to be bothered and that would be that.  I could run away and the only person that might wonder where I could have gone would be my husband.

I dislike most females for the reason they have better hair (no grey) can do makeup, and most can have kids.  I hate the ones that get a family without even trying.  That is where most "kids" fall.  I am sure that no matter if I tried in my teens or now that I would ever have my family.  I have faith that one day we may have that family...by adoption and nothing else.

 

This is where being military comes into play.  Now, it takes two to tango.  This means that no matter what you have to have the supplier to get the goods.  This also means that if one isn't home then it doesn't work out.  SO...every day, week, month, and year that he is gone is more waiting.  Waiting for a hug, kiss, smile, and yes a family of our own,

I feel that one must be ahead of the game when it comes to having kids.  This means, having a house, some money, a clue as to how much things cost, and not run to mommy and daddy when things get hard.  I feel that this is the case with a few people that I know.  It isn't a checklist, it is a ready list.  This is how my "list" went. 

Find someone who loves me and that I can't spend a day without talking to. 

Finish college. 

Get a job that pay bills, but doesn't suck the life out of me. 

Get married. 

Buy a house. 

Make that house into a home. 

Travel some. 

Start a family. 

Get some grandkids. 

Retire. 

Spend time sitting on the porch with my husband and just relax.

Meet my maker.

So far  half that list is done and I feel that I will meet my maker before kids will be in the picture.  I don't even feel that I will spend time sitting on a porch with my husband relaxing.  With how our country is going....we won't see retirement.

See what I am saying is that life isn't going to a plan and well I NEED THAT PLAN.  I hate not knowing things, but what I feel is that I will not have four of those things on that list.  I'll let you figure out what the last one is.  I miss my husband and trying to have kids is all pressure.  There will never be a time that I would be alright with not having kids of my own.  Even if we did adopt a part of me would still feel not complete.

So for now, I wait again, wonder, think, and cry until I get those hugs, kisses, and smiles.

Miracles

***Full Discloser: I am not getting paid to endorse a movie and there may be a spoiler.***

I am going to start off by saying that this post will be unlike the others that I have done before, but will have the same feel to them.

There are times in ones life that pushes you to do something or think something that is not normal or those around you will think are crazy.

Today I went to see the movie Miracles from Heaven.  Now normally I will watch this type of movie in the comfort of my own home.  I will silently judge the truth of what is behind it and tear it apart trying to make sense of it.  This did not happen today.

Now I have been honest that my faith has been...well...tested and pushed to where I almost have none.  This movie today made me get a giant chunk of it back.  Faith is defined as having complete trust or confidence in someone or something.  I have always been a believer, but have lacked faith.

This movie started out by saying what faith is, it talked about faith, and how the mother of the daughter had pretty much lost hers, also how she couldn't pray anymore.  I understand this more than what I should.

When things started to progress to where the little girl was in and out of the hospital, test after test, and just not wanting to live; something in me clicked.  There are so many times that I think that I have it hard, that I can't keep going.  There is always someone that has it worse.  As hard as that is to think about, it's the sad truth.

When the little girl came home the doctor told the mother "The best medicine is family."  There are often times that we push those that we love away, thinking that we are broken, that there is nothing that they can do for us.  Now I am not saying that I understand what she was going through, because I don't.  I just know what my own trials are like.  Let me continue...

This little girl was close to death, you could see it, you can read about it, and most of all she could tell.  When she fell down into the tree that was 30 feet deep.  It took countless hours to get her out and during those hours all her mother could hear was that her little girl was thought to be dead.  Think about that for a minute.  Dead is defined as no longer living and absolute.  This was her child and that was all she could hear.  The one thing that she thought to do other than cry was to go to the tree that her daughter was in and pray the prayer that Christ Jesus taught us.

*For those of you that don't know this is the Lord's Prayer*

She put her hands on the tree and kept saying it over and over, others joined her, and prayed.

This act spoke to my heart.  I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  After all of this they showed at the end what others going through to help someone in need.  Someone taking the time out to stop a game to make someone feel better, someone looking and seeing that she was sick to take a day off to show them around, someone to come over in the middle of the night while they have a baby themselves to help out a friend, a receptionist that could have lost her job for helping out, a travel agent for messing up the system when he heard a child was dying, these acts are nothing short of a Miracle.

A miracle is defined as a surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency. 

The mother went on to give a speech at church and quoted Albert Einstein.  He said "There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle."  Now as you saw by the definition of what a miracle that those acts that I stated before could be just the kindness of ones heart, but they could also be a miracle.

Albert Einstein was right.  I lived my life as if nothing in my day is a miracle, instead of everything being a miracle.

When I left the movie theater I couldn't help but think what if I looked at everything through the eyes of this child.  She had said that no one has to believe that she went to heaven, but they will understand in time.

Faith, Miracles, God, Jesus, Prayer.  These things are something that I should live everyday, not just I, but all should live.  When you see someone with their head down, say hello.  You could save their life, who knows what they are thinking at that moment.  A smile is contagious in the best of ways.  If you see that someone is sick, put them on your heart.  Lift them up in your prayers.

At the end of the movie, after the credits started to roll, a lady behind me said one of the things that you only see on the news, those things where people pray outside of the theater, type things.  Four words that I hear only at church, when I do go.  Praise be to God.  Those four words on top of the movie moved mountains in my world today.

The one negative thing that came from the movie that stayed and will stay with me in a way is a group of people saying what if someone in their family had sinned and this was preventing this little girl from getting better.  Who says that?  :(  However, I have heard this before myself.  What if you have done something in your life that is a sin that is preventing you from getting pregnant.  What if you aren't praying the right way.  What if your husband isn't really praying for the both of you.

We live in a world where it is alright to wear absolutely nothing and be praised for it, but you can't pray at dinner in public without be ashamed.  Now, do I pray in public, as bow my head, hold hands with those around me, and say Amen out loud.  That answer would be a no.  However, what you don't see is my saying Thank You for letting me have another meal, letting me afford this meal where others can't.

I am going to leave you with this, try and do something selfless for someone else.  This movie is something that I know that I needed and going forward will be trying to live my life as if everything is a miracle, just as you should.

Trying to Forget

Today has been a day of trying to forget.

Remembering a time in your life that has hard, but from many years ago.

One of my Grandfather's passed away 14 years ago today.  Looking back at that time I didn't quiet understand what was going on even if I was old enough too.

I have lost people before, but not like this.

As we get older we tend to understand more clearly what is happening.  We won't be able to see them, hear them, or touch them ever again.  We can close our eyes and see what they were, watch videos to hear their voice, and hold on to what they have touched.  these things will never replace or come close to how it was.

It has always been said that with death comes new life.  For every life given one must be taken.  We all have a death sentence.  I mean we hear these all of the time, but do we really believe it?

All but the last one can be taken how one wants.

As I look at social media tonight there was someone that announced that they were expecting (no surprise there) yet on another part further down, one person had lost a loved one.  I can see how that statement can be true.  I hate that it might be, but either way you have to decide it for yourself.

I will always have a hard time this with day, no matter the time in my life.  Fourteen years later and I still remember the day as if it were today.  Most of us have a hard time remembering the good, but never the bad.  Our world would be a better place if we remember all of the good, and only few bad.

I know that what I am going through will stay with me all of my life.  it might not be the worst thing and there might be others that are going through worse, but for me not having children is the worst.

For my family losing a parent is the worst.  For those that knew my Grandfather he was one of a kind.  Kind soul, caring, loving, and didn't have much to say, but when he did you listened,  I wish my husband would have gotten to meet him, but that would have been almost 10 years later.

I always wonder what my Grandfather would think about me now.  Would he be proud?  Would he be able to give me advise about what I should do?  Would things still be the same?

There are times that I just wish I could see him, hear him, and get a hug.  That is where those stairs to Heaven would be nice.  However, I have not found those and the closest thing that I will ever get to those things is in my dreams.

I pray for those that are bringing life into this world for you need to know how short life really is.

You need to understand that you will have struggle and that you should understand that going into this.

Make sure that you understand that God has given you this life because he can.  Take care of it and yourself, because life is short.

If you leave with only a few things from this make sure those things are.  Love your loved ones and hold them close, you never know when it will be "that" time.  Understand that life can be given, but also taken at any point also.  That baby that you have means that you are lucky and blessed.

Detour

My last "blog" was back in April of 2015..WOW!

So much has changed in that almost year.  I need to get better about writing like I said I would.

Here is the quick update on what has been going on with me.  Still NO baby, however I have now found out more to the reason why.

In Aug of 2015 I decided that my doctor was not doing enough and I wanted to get a second opinion as to what could be going on.  My husband was getting ready to deploy for the second time and wanted some type of answer before he left.  Knowing how I felt for so many years and in the back of my mind why...those suspicions were confirmed.  My new doctor was amendment to get me into surgery to confirm that I had.....ENDOMETRIOSIS.

My husband had left in Sept 2015 and in the same month had surgery.  This was only to take about an hour and a half.  They make a few keyhole incisions, go in by robot, look for growth outside of the uterus.  Well, 3 hours later I finally was out of surgery.  It was evident that I had the worst of the worst....Stage 4 Endometriosis.

Most people have a small hint of "Endo" and most never know that they have it.  Then there are people like myself that know, but suffer in silence because it is "normal" or "in your head."  

***If you feel that you have this PUSH PUSH PUSH to be checked.

After I had my surgery I spent the a few weeks making sure that I was recovering the right way.  I could tell a huge difference in how I was feeling each month.  That was until my doctor wanted us to try in October for a baby and if that didn't work then I would have to start birth control in Dec.

Fast forward to December since we didn't get pregnant.  I was put on Lupron.  A shot that would stop me from having a cycle for a month, then I would take another one in Jan that would last for three months.  In Dec, I received my first shot, still had a cycle (fun.) In Jan had another shot, no cycle.  I thought hey this is going to work after all.  I was wrong....again!  :( 

That brings everyone up-to-date to where I sit right now.  My husband is still deployed and won't be home until late summer.  I am still having cycles.  Still have no baby.

I ask myself daily Why? Why not? How? Why you and not me? It sounds selfish, but put yourself in my shoes.  I have been with my husband for almost 10 years this year and married for almost 7.  Out of those 7 years we have been trying for 5 years.  Most of our friends are starting on their third child, while we still sit and wait for one.

I am bitter.  There I said it.  I am an angry and bitter person now.  When we started it was an adventure.  Five years later, I want to drop kick every person that "didn't try" to get pregnant.  I'm sorry, but if you aren't on birth control, using protection, and still having "adult time" then you are trying.  Go ahead and tell yourself that you aren't, but you are.  Seeing people that have been married all of a split second, that aren't even on their own, have never had a struggle, and they are pregnant.  I mean come on!!!!  Tell me how I wouldn't be bitter.

Then to put the cherry on top, my sister; who has only recently started getting her life together, told me that she was going to try to get pregnant starting in Sept of this year also.  From the time that we were little she never wanted kids, but now BAM she does.

Most of my days I am walking around with a smile on my face, but on the inside there is nothing.

It's almost as black as the black hole.  

My heart hurts, my eyes are never dry, pain is constant, and no motivation.  When I pray it is to take the pain away and for my husband to find happiness that I can't give to him.

I will never be alright with never being able to have our own children.  There is something that being able to create something from the one that you love most in the world and something from you that is special.

Knowing when I was little that wanting to always be a wife and mother is what I wanted more than life, now not being able to be a mother and just a wife, is heartbreaking and soul crushing.

When God made us, he knew what he was doing.  We don't know his plan, if I did I'm sure that I wouldn't be writing this.  My husband, love him I really do, but we all have those days where we just want to smack them, told me that this has made me a bitter and heartless person.  It has, I'll be honest, the first step is to admitting that you have a problem and I do.

This is what I have to say.  When going to my meeting the other weekend, my radio stopped on a sermon that was being told.  I never listen to these things and to be honest I tried to change the station more than once for I didn't want to hear the message, but it wouldn't budge.  The message was about road blocks and detours.  We have all come across them at one point or another in driving.  I never thought about it in my life.  The pastor was talking about how when we see a detour we take it right there so we don't get lost, we follow the signs, and eventually get to where we are going.  Then there are others, who keep going to the very last minute and turn in the direction that they need to go, follow that until they come to a cross, turn, continue until finally you have to get out a map to see where you are.  Once you get out the map you realize that you should have just followed the detour signs, but you finally after more time than you should have, you find your destination.  

I finally realized that maybe I am the second person.  I try to see how close I can get to something and not just follow the signs.  There are times that when looking for something we miss what is right in front of us to begin with.  We spend all of our time and energy on what we want and not what we have.  Right now I am just lost in the middle of nowhere and I have to get my map out to find my way to where I am going.

If you have read all of this, I'm surprised and glad.  If you take only one thing from all of this, don't be bitter and heartless, you will find your way back from the road block.  In the meantime, enjoy the ride, for when you do reach your destination, you will be able to get out, stretch your legs, and enjoy the reward of finding your way.