Trials

Every time I sit down to write one of these blogs I feel like I am writing a sermon.

Trying to find the title that fits what I am trying to get across.

The thoughts and feelings are hard to put into words.

There are times that I feel that I should vlog (video log) our journey, but quickly change my mind.

Believe it or not, I am a shy person.

However, with Mother's Day quickly approaching, my heart hurts.

I love celebrating the mothers in my life, but this year I feel different.

Breaks need to be taken and celebrations won't happen.

Phone calls will be made to say Happy Mother's Day, but I won't be going anywhere.

Everyday is a new trial.

Something that you have to work at, deal with, and move past.

Infertility on Mother's Day is hard.

It isn't something that everyone thinks about, but when you have infertility you do.

Every year I think about the child that I could have and what it would be like on that day.

Would I wake up to breakfast in bed?

Would I get a handmade card?

Would I get that free cone at the local Dairy Bar? 

When I found out I was expecting, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and all Holiday's came to my mind.

Immediately what came to my mind was handmade cards, backward letters, and hand prints.

Finally, those days would be different.

After years of trying, years of unexplained road blocks, tears, and negative tests; 

I would finally be able to celebrate a day dedicated to just me other than my birthday.

Go to those Mother's Day breakfasts and be apart of a different group.

After hearing his heartbeat at 8 weeks, seeing him grow for a another month getting bigger each day,

Then hearing the words, "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat," changed all of those things instantly.

There would be no breakfast in bed, no cards, no hand prints, and no little one to call me mom.

All of those plans gone in just five words.

People, including myself, consider me still to be a mother, but in a different way.

I have a child now, but only in heaven.

My hope is that someone in heaven that couldn't have a child is taking care of mine until I get there.

That they are getting those things that I have longed for as did they.

On May 7th is Bereaved Mother's Day. 

For those that have a lost a child at any age and any gestation.

I didn't celebrate, but I looked at the mother's who were like me.

Missing their little ones and those that are missing children they had years with.

The one thing that I found, is that the pain was there for all of us.

My hope is that this Mother's Day, you remember those that have lost a child.

They are mother's, but just had to give their child back sooner.

Give her that breakfast in bed, go get her that cone from the Dairy Bar, and say 

Happy Mother's Day.

I feel that I have been put on this earth to be a mother.

To teach, hold, nurture, and love, all children.

I am a mother whether anyone else thinks it or not.

Ever since those lines turned pink, that heart beat was heard, and my belly grew.

I cared, loved, held, and did everything in my power to protect him.

We all have our trials that we must face in wondering if we should celebrate or not.

But, I want to say to those that are childless on Mother's Day and that have lost their child,

Happy Mother's Day Mom.