Pushing Forward

As I sit here my heart still hurts, but slowly moving toward new plans.

Over a week ago I started the process of IVF again.

Taking birth control, eating some what healthy meals, and taking vitamins again.

Today, I ordered all of the medications that I will be taking and injecting over the next three weeks.

Those by the way are not cheap, but thankfully insurance helps with a lot of that cost!

I thought that this time would be like the first. Nervous, stressful, worrisome, painful, and exciting.

However, its only painful.

Painful in the sense of I shouldn't be doing this right now, I should still be pregnant, and I shouldn't have to deal with all of this.

All of these thoughts swirl in every ones head after having a loss and doing IVF/IUI.

I have given myself the normal three months they suggested and started this all over.

Not that it matters much since it is what I have to do to get our family, but it stinks.

I would much rather have swollen feet, back sweat, and all day sickness than do this all over again.

I haven't talked about my loss much, but still miss our little boy more and more as I get closer to that due date.

A date that when comes, I will have nothing.

A date that will be just another day to most, but to me, a birthday that should have been.

It is bitter sweet as I would have been due just a week before my own birthday and a week after my husbands.

When I found out I kept thinking we could all do something in one weekend for all three of us.

Now that date will forever be a different celebration.

A day that many babies will share, but not our little boy.

Not many people get it and I don't expect them too.

This isn't their journey and they have most likely been blessed with hoards of children.

Those that aren't so lucky get to do this.

When we did IVF before, the drive was a little over two hours, now since we have moved it's around an hour or a little more.

Much better than getting up at 4am and leaving at 5am for an appointment at 7am.

Not to mention those meds make me less of a morning person that what I already am.

So I am looking forward to having that extra little time in the morning and I know my doctor is too.

Let's get to the good stuff about what is happening right now and where we stand.

Birth Control

How backwards is that?

I want to get pregnant, not prevent it.

Birth control prevents pregnancy, but it also calms everything down.

This is the worst part for me.

I know what you are all thinking...you have to have shots in the stomach and birth control is the worst for you..are you crazy?!?

Nope, birth control makes me hungry, put on weight, moody, tired, and break out.

I would add two weeks of shots just so I wouldn't have to take those stupid little pills.

Not only that, but I can never remember to take them.

Thankfully I set a reminder on my phone to tell me when I have to take them and go from there.

Who knew that one little pill could cause so much drama in my life.

It is only for two full weeks and then they add two extra days in there for good measure.

This is only the start, but glad I'm getting to my shots.

Wow...did I really just say that

Anyway, half way through the pack of pills I start to hate everyone including my uterus for letting me down.

That is where I am right now.  The hate everyone and everything place.

I'm hungry, but really don't want food.

I'm tire, but really don't want to sleep.

I want to see people, but really don't want to talk to them.

Oh the joys of hormones.

Soon it will be over....maybe.

I have only have a week left of pills then I go to the doctor for my first ultrasound.

This ultrasound will see how the ovaries and uterus look.

I will get a three day break from pills then will move onto the shots.

Not the fun kind that you do in college, but they do come in different colors...

trying to make the best of a bad situation.

It's hard to think about if this round of IVF will give us our baby that we long for.

Hard to think about numbers rising, belly growing, showers, and another due date.

To be honest, I'm not excited like I was the first time, I'm just going with the motions.

Doing what I have to do to be that mother that I long to be.

Taking the dreadful pills, the burning shots, and loopy meds for retrieval.

It is too soon to tell if I will be excited about being PUPO, or to see the heartbeat the first time.

Loss changes our outlook on everything that comes to start again.

Will this be it?

Will this be out take home baby?

Will I feel the same as I did the first time?

Is my son mad that I am trying again?

Is it too soon to try again?

All of these questions come to me weekly and will never stop.

Life has a way of pushing you forward.

Making you move toward the future and not dwindle in the past.

See birth control...mad, sad, funny, then sad again.

This process I am starting to feel is just being female, but who knows.

So that is the update that is.

I will be on birth control for another week then doctors appointment.

I will update this blog weekly on Fridays.

 Showing the process, belly bloat that will happen, shots, and moods that come with IVF.