Counting My Eggs

When I wrote my last post it was about the heartbreak that happened with retrieval.

It is such an emotional roller coaster of emotions.

Just when you thought that you had hit all of the major drops, one surprises you.

On Saturday we went from nine all the way down to four and ended the day with three.

My heart hurt, my stomach churned, and my eyes cloudy.

I then thought of all those around me that don't get to do this due to funds.

I tried to take a step back, separate myself from what could be, and just live.

You almost have to remove yourself from the possibility of what those embryos could become. 

I spent most of my day on Sunday worried that those three tiny living things would not be there the next day.  

That my "children" weren't being taken care of, that they would somehow disappear.

My husband took my hand on more than one occasion and told me to just breathe.

To think positive.

That glass of water that I associate positiveness with is almost empty.

Then I thought for just a moment, that last drop of water in my glass is a thirsty man's dream.

I sucked it up and kept going.

Took it easy since I wasn't feeling well and relaxed.

We watched movies and spent that time together.

The next morning I would get the results of what happened over the weekend.

I was up before 7 am and called the office right at 7:30 to see.

No answer and they didn't answer until 8:30.

By that time my heart was sinking and hope was wavering.

Again, think positive came from the bedroom.

Finally, I was able to get in touch with the embryologist.

Exact word:

"We haven't checked on them yet."

WHAT?!?

Politely I asked him to please check on him since I have a long drive ahead of me to get there.

A call back:

"All three made it."

How can that be?

All three are still here?

My babies are all still here?

So many questions came to mind, but only three did.

1. What did they look like?

2. When can I transfer?

3. What are the chances of this working?

You could hear him laugh and tell me that I had two 8 cell grade 1 and a 6 cell grade 1.

"Perfect day 3 embryos that you can transfer with great possibility. Today would work."

Quickly I jumped into the shower and we were on our way.

For the second time this year I would again be pregnant.

Half way to the doctors office I began to panic when that hit me.

My husband knowing me the way he does grabbed my hand and simply said "I love you."

It is amazing what those three words mean at a time like this.

We ended up transferring two embryos and leaving one behind.

An 8 cell and 6 cell where back with me.

I felt an instant calmness.

My babies are back.

Warm.

We left one 8 cell behind due to a small issue.

The zona that surrounds the embryo was darker than they liked.

A common happening with endometriosis.

We are still hopeful and sad that we left her alone in that room, but we do hope she will make it to freeze.

Just three days prior to that I was counting my eggs before we knew what was going to happen.

Many times in our lives we count on things that aren't really able to be counted.

While right now I am considered "pregnant until proven otherwise" with two embryos,

we do say they, twins, and both.

Our hopes that both make in there, but we also know the possibility of both is slim.

We talk to them, tell them to hold on, stick around, and play music.

Everyday I take medicine, pills, and vitamins to make sure they decide to stay put.

I will do everything in my power again to make sure that our "babies" make it.

Anyone that has been in this situation does the same thing.

Hope, pray, cross fingers and toes, and they keep quiet.

Keep quiet.

That is what most do with infertility since it is such a taboo subject.

It wasn't until Chrissy Teigen, Tyra Banks, Celine Dion and a few others came out

that I did too.

They all talk about the heartache, want, need, and helplessness you find during this process.

Celine Dion said something that I will live by during this

 "I will try until they tell me I can't anymore."

Having a child for me isn't a check off a box, not just something to do.

Having children is seeing my husband in a smaller version mixed with my attitude.

It is seeing them grow into a stubborn teen.

Teaching them to become something that will be a great asset to society.

At the same time my husband and I also say to each other

"I'm ok if it is just us too."

Don't count your eggs.

Count the blessings that you have.

You could have 40 eggs and go down to 2.

Those 2 eggs are the blessings that could be.

I tried not to let my mind wonder about what is happening inside my womb and live in my 

PUPO bubble.

I love the feeling that I am growing life and instantly feel calm, loved, and happy.

The progesterone is kicking my butt and I am happy about that. 

The tiredness, sickness, sore boobs, let me know that it is doing its job.

So here is to our little embryos that could that are growing to become our babies.

Keep trying until they tell you you can't anymore.

I hope to see you in 9 months and your bother is looking after you both.