Heartbreak

I have been sharing my journey of IVF for the last two weeks.

The ups and downs of emotions, weight gain, shots, and whatever else may arise.

When I started IVF the for the first time in 2016 I was excited to finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. 

The light that came with a child at the end, a family; my family.

When I lost our little boy, that light went away.

I could no longer see what was in front of me, beside me, or what could be.

My heart was broken.

When I started IVF just last month, I wasn’t as excited.

I could no longer see what could be or what I wanted.

Still, I mixed my meds and took those shots like a champ.

Got poked and prodded for weeks.

Only to find out that we only had four mature follicles.

Heartbreak number one had happened.

Retrieval happened on June 23^rd, but between that and the start of IVF four people announced their pregnancies and about a dozen had their babies.

How is it so easy for them when I can’t even respond to my medication?

Why them and not me?

Will, I not be a good mother or my husband a good dad?

Why us?

When retrieval happened, we were only expecting to get those four follicles.

Not the case, seven I heard the doctor say. Seven.

The nurse came in with a smile on her face, nine. Nine?

What is happening?

Our numbers are going up!

The number we started with last time was nine too.

I could finally see that light flicker at the end of that tunnel again.

Until this morning on June 24^th, that changed and the light started to flicker.

Dark, cold, lonely, and scared.

As the embryologist said with hope in her voice

“Three are left.”

How can we go from nine to three so fast?

I lost seven right out of the gate.

Six not even good enough to fertilize.

I simply took this as, I’m not good enough.

I can’t even make eggs the right way.

Hormones immediately kicked in.

Cry, hating myself, and questioning everything that could be.

Heartbreak number two was there and raw.

We still have 24 hours before we know if those three even decide to keep splitting and enter either the cleavage or blastocyst stage.

(cleavage: day 2 or 3)

(blastocyst: day 5 or 6)

Breakdown of time:

Day 1: Zygote (just a mature egg)

Day 2: Should have 2-4 cells

Day 3: Can be anywhere from 6-10 cells

Day 5: Blastocyst 16-32 cells

All but the Zygote are embryos.

Embryo: an unborn offspring in development.

They will stay in this stage until 8 weeks then they become a fetus, but no matter what a living offspring.

So right now, we have three “babies” growing in an office.

They are my hope, joy, love, and family.

They could be a teacher, doctor, lawyer, busboy, cashier, or go into the service.

They are as of right now starting to become my children.

The high hopes that I have for them are still there, just like they were with my son.

I am scared, worried, and heartbroken that my now fertilized embryos won’t have a chance like the other six zygotes and one fertilized didn’t.

I want everyone to look at their mother, daughter, sister, aunt, grandmother, any female in your life.

When fertilization happens (sperm meets egg) the gender is determined.

When a female is being formed in the womb, she will start making all the eggs she will ever have.

When she is born so are her kids.

Think about that for a minute and take it in.

Just like all the women before me I was born with my future children.

As a female gets older her eggs do too and they also start to diminish.

Hence the phrase “Your clock is ticking.”

This process reminds me of Cinderella at Midnight.

I am cutting it close to that strike of midnight and my ball is trying to become a mother.

For the next two days, I will be holding my breath, crossing all my fingers and toes, wishing on stars,

all for the chance to get the family that we have wanted for the last seven years.

That light is still very dim at that end of that tunnel and will be until we find out how many we have left.

I want nothing than to be the mother that I know I am.

On the same side, I want more for my husband to be the dad I know he is.

Those three embryos are the chance of life.

Right now, they know no fear, worry, or hunger.

Right now, I am a fearing for them, worrying about their health, and their need to grow.

Those during IVF know that just because we are doing this process it is not a guaranteed child.

What this process is on the other hand is, crazy, hormonal, up and down, scary, and changes you on a different level that some won’t even begin to understand.

My life is split light this sunrise.

Bright and hopeful one side and dark and stormy on the other.