It's Infertility

 Over the last seven years it has been brought up about what does infertility look like. 

It could be your neighbor, a friend, a co-worker, or a family member.  Would you know by looking at them? The answer will most likely be a no, not likely.

I have seen more negative tests than I have positive in those seven years and within that time brought home a beautiful, smart, and sometimes sassy daughter. 

It looks like an every day person trying to just make it through the day with little to no answers, but more tears and frustrations.  It’s not what the saying was when growing up “first comes love, then comes marriage, then a baby in a baby carriage.” It’s more like—first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes debt, 20-pound weight gain, and a dozen test.  

It’s trying to manifest something that you know won’t be there. 

 It’s making sure that you are taking care of yourself even when you are breaking on the inside. 

It’s forcing a smile when someone asks how you are when you are really crying on the inside. 

 It’s having that hole in your heart knowing that you just want kids or more kids but can’t. 

 It’s trying to find that one song that you can resonate with, looking for signs, and wishing on stars.

 It’s trying to find the words when someone asks how you keep pushing on when really all you want to do is give up.  

It’s 500 shots and weeks on end of trying to make sure that you not only get pregnant, but so once you are that you stay pregnant. 

 It’s trying to guard your heart so when it doesn’t happen you don’t hurt as much. 

It’s guarding your heart for when you do get pregnant you know that it could be taken with you just as fast. 

 It’s watching the lines on a positive test fade each day until nothing is left. 

It could be having your child ask for a sibling when that is all you want to give them, but you can’t. 

 It’s learning how not to only mix and administer meds, but also learning what each one does and why.

 It’s watching your family cope with your “shortcomings” of trying to become more than just a two-person or three-person family and being helpless.

  It’s trying to find others that are dealing with this.  Seeing if their lines look the same, if your numbers match theirs, are things going the right way, what procedures everyone else had, and trying to not get on Dr. Google.  

Infertility is trying to not be defined by a negative test. 

 Infertility was something that people did not want to talk about until celebrities started coming out that they too were facing these battles. 

 You don’t see those that suffer losses in the private of their own homes, but we smile and push on.  You see us out at the store as we muster a smile and you judge us for a messy bun and no makeup. 

The fathers are just as broken as the mothers, but don’t show it just to be strong.  They hide in the shower or cry on the way to work because they suffered too, but no one asks how they are. 

 It’s the nurse on the other line saying, “I’m sorry, but it didn’t work.” 

It’s the ultrasound technician saying, “I’m sorry there isn’t a heartbeat.”

 Never have I talked to a doctor during that time of when they should be there for you first.  It’s those “behind the scenes” people that take it just as hard as the family.  They see you every-other-day for weeks, months, and years that deliver the news to those that want nothing more that the good news.  You can tell when you answer you hear the sadness and hurt in their voice.  

It’s those around you telling you that it will happen when it happens, relax, pray, drink or don’t drink, lose weight, gain weight, or do you know what you are doing.  When really there is nothing more than you can do, but just be you.  

We talk about not asking, but do you really know why you shouldn’t?

 It’s for those around that have been trying for years, have failed adoptions, losses of their own, something that can be passed down to other generations, and struggles of failed treatments.  We put stress on ourselves to make sure that we have done and continue to do everything that we can possibly do to be better, to understand what is happening, but in the end still not understanding why it isn’t working. 

 It’s the keep doing the same thing over and over until it may just be it this time.

 It’s the pure hope that your dream comes true.

  Its doctors telling us the chances in percentages, but when really, they are just guessing as our bodies as trying to guess what we are going to do next. 

 Each day, week, and month that hole in your heart gets darker and deeper that just can’t be mended.

  Infertility is not just beat when you have a child it will always be part of your story that you tell your children for the hopes that they do not have to walk down the same path that you do.  It is a story that you tell others, so they don’t feel alone. 

 Every struggle is different but know that there are people out there that are willing to listen and tell you their story.  Everyone around won’t know your full story unless you tell them.  Our story is not the same as others, but it does include loss, heartbreak, trying over and over, but in the end worth it for the miracle that our daughter was born. 

Is our story of trying over? As of today, yes. It is a simple answer of not giving up but needing time.  Time to heal, time to get our lives back to where they were, time to get out of this dark hole that this journey has brought us, and time to just be us.

 I wouldn’t change where we started, where our path took us, and where we ended up, however I would change how infertility is covered and viewed to many people. 

Speak up, be your own advocate, and keep doing what you feel is right.

Knickers and Milk Sippers

Let's get a little personal shall we?

Yes, I am going to talk about all things down below and in between.

Hence the title;

Knickers and Milk Sippers

Full disclosure if you don't want to read about breastfeeding and after birth

STOP NOW

but thanks for coming to see me :)

If you want to know the honest and real truth get a bowl of popcorn, wine, and a blanket;

things are about to get real up in here.

Where to begin with all of this information overload?

Hospital mesh panties

Ice packs

Cracked nipples

Hemorrhoids

Swollen body parts

First the less scary part of it all, swollen body parts, everything is swollen.

Face, hands, feet, stomach, boobs.

Nothing is safe from the every loving swelling that will be right after and the weeks to follow.

This is one thing that not one person that has gone before me mentioned would happen.

When I had Genevieve, yes things were "angry" not unexpected, but why take that out on my feet.

I wore shoes that tied, what I really needed were flip-flops two sizes bigger than what I wore before.

Rings didn't fit for almost six weeks after.

My face thankful returned to its "sunken" state after a week.

However, my chest grew to three times the size from the start of pregnancy.

 
This brings me to the next item on my list.  If you can't stand the word nipple, this talk isn't for you.
There are few things in this world that I can say bother me more than the word "moist," and one of those other words is "engorgement."
I really didn't understand this, until it happened.
Amongst all of your lady bits being swollen you get to have your nipples chewed and sucked until they are cracked and numb.
I became so engorged that I would have to pump or my daughters head would bounce off like a Ping-Pong ball during a tournament.
This continued until recently when I did what they call, regulate.
Yeah, that only took 15 weeks to do.
I was able to pump quite a bit before going back to work, 100 oz.
This is quite a good amount for still breastfeeding and pumping at the same time.
Going back to work full time was more stressful that what I thought it would be.
Not for the fact that I was leaving her, yes that was hard to do, but not what this post is about;
for the fact that I work in a small office and have to take my pump with me to work.
I hated the fact that not only were my breast three times the size that they were, but now I have to pump at work and hope that I can get that half hour in so I don't hurt.
Also, no one told me that if you talk about your child, hear a child cry, relax, or drink more water; that you are going to get a let down (milk comes in) or leak.
I only leaked twice and thankfully that was it.
However, the let downs happened and still happen all the time.
It can be at random times, but when you pump with cracked nipples; it hurts.
The best thing that you can do is get a good nipple cream and just slather all of that buttery-goodness all over.
For me when I get those let downs it's normally every hour and a half and then a half hour until either I feed her or pump.
If neither of these things happen, I become, yes you guessed it; Engorged.
It is painful and could cause damage if ignored.
Since going part time I pump twice a day so my daughter can have food for when I am gone.
I still pump enough to feed her and still freeze some also!

All of those things brings me to my next topic ice packs and mesh panties.
Panties is right up there with the last two words that everyone is so fond of.
However, this needs to be talked about too.
Ice packs are an absolute necessity.
Those first few hours I couldn't get enough of those things.
Numb me up.
(See what I did there, instead of Beam me up...no? ok.)
They will give you, wait for it, Motrin for pain.
Yes you read that correctly.
So when it comes to anything that makes the "angry" bits better, do it.
The mesh panties are something you are going to either love or hate.
I HATE them.
Chrissy Teigen embraced them.
You be your own judge.
I can't stress the word hate enough with them.
They were WAY to big for my size and as much as they tell you they are one size fits all they lie.
When you put the ice pack, tucks, and swollen angry bits in one place, they may fit.
I went and bought the biggest "granny-undies" one could find and went that direction.
This was the best thing that I could have done.
I felt like I was being held together by their higher waist band and didn't feel like my insides were going to fall out like I did with those other underwear.
These are something that I wore for weeks and believe it or not still love them.

Overall, the actual birth was smooth and a pretty surreal experience.
There are days that I still look at her and think "is she really mine?"
Then I sneeze and I'm quickly reminded that yes she is.
The picture is me at two days after having her, I'm swollen, with my granny-undies on with ice packs tucks and a pad, hair pulled up, and that new baby bliss smile on my face.
I can say honestly that I never felt better than in that moment.



   

Welcome to the World

On March 9th, 2018 our lives changed forever.

After 13 hours of labor our little girl, 

Genevieve Rae Magoto 

joined our family.

This is her story.
 

 

I'm going to bypass most of the story since it is just waiting around.

We got to the hospital at 5 am and by 6 am was hooked up to IV's and monitors.

I decided by noon to get some pain medicine to help, but wanted to hold off on the epidural.

I changed my mind pretty quick and by 2pm was getting my epidural.

This wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, but still wasn't a wonderful experience.

I always thought that your support person was going to be in the room, meaning my husband was going to be able to help me out; nope, not the case.

They made him step out into the hallway and then we would be able to come back in after it was done.

The whole procedure took 10 minuets and the only thing that hurt was the first shot that was to numb the area.

They try and place this between contractions, but when they are every 2 minuets apart, your going to get one in there.

Once the epidural was placed, I thought I was going to be pain free and happy until delivery.

This also was not the case.

The epidural decided to only work on my right side and not my left,
all of the pain stayed in my left hip.

They tried to move me to my right side, use a peanut ball, and then move me back to my left side.

Nothing worked and in the end they had to call the anesthesiologist back in to see what he could do.

He decided the best thing would be to pull out the catheter in my back position it differently and then give me a top off.

This still took about 15 minuets to work and that was the longest 15 minuets of my life.

Those contractions are no joke!

Once I did get relief they checked my cervix again and I was only at 5cm :( 

How sad is that!

However, what you see and read is very true; once that epidural works you can sleep and talk during those contractions.

I decided to take a small nap for two hours and rest up for what I thought was going to be a long night.
However, after that short nap I woke up and felt like I needed to be put on my back to be more comfortable.
Well, the nice nurse knew something was up, flipped me to my back and did a check...
she asked if I felt the need to push at all, which I laughed and said nope, but why?
Come to find out Genevieve was pretty much right there!
After calling the doctor, getting everything set up, a conversation about how cold it was outside,
 five pushes later she was here.

She was born at 6:55pm
6 pounds 11.6 ounces
20 inches long

All of those years of trying, all of the shots, blood work, needles, ultrasounds, and tears.
She was here just that fast.
After the tears faded and kisses had been given there were three questions that I asked.
1.  Did I really just birth a baby?
2. How bad was the tear?
3. Can you believe that you are a dad?

That was pretty much all of what was going on in my mind at that time.
I would do this all over again and hope that anyone that is still dealing with this, just stick with it.
It really is worth everything when they put that baby on your chest.
There is nothing like it.

I finally now know how everyone feels about their kids.
That bond that when you first look into their eyes that you would do anything for them.
That if someone hurt them, you would make sure to "take care of it."
 
Genevieve has not only changed my husband and I's lives, but everyone that she meets.
She is a happy and healthy little girl.
We want to thank everyone for the calls, texts, and well wishes.
 

Long Awaited News

I have been wanting to update everyone on what is going on, but nothing is really happening.

 

My due date is quickly approaching and there have been some contractions for the last few weeks.

Other than that, nothing is happening.

I have hit that point where I just want to see her and hold her...you know in my arms.

The last two weeks I have been sitting at 2cm 80% and at a 0 station.

This I have found means absolutely nothing other than she could or couldn't come soon.

Oh so helpful doctors are.

I did end up in Labor and Delivery last week with contractions 3-6 min. apart, but they needed to be at 5 min with having a change.

Which I did not have any change so they sent me home even with them being that close.

Oh well.

 

I'm starting to feel like I will never have her, but people do tell me that I will.

(Insert major eye roll here)

 

When you do IVF you have been on a roller coaster for months before being pregnant and then when you do get pregnant the rest of the fun beings.

 

I have had a rather "easy" pregnancy which I am very thankful for.

However, the last few weeks my ankles have disappeared, my back is killing me, and I feel like I blowfish.

There have been times where I want to throw in the towel and just cry.

Which crying is a new thing in my life that I have found happens at anytime.

I could be in a store, bathroom, in the house, anywhere and then BAM crying and have no idea why.

 

I do have another doctor appointment on March 7th so I will update everyone with what may or may not be happening after that.

 

Right now it is like the cookies in the oven just need an extra minute when they have already hit their time limit so you just keep checking on them to make sure you don't burn them.

 

So, keep checking back and I will post when I have her if that is before Wednesday or what they say after my appointment.

 

Thank you to everyone who is waiting with me and following our journey to get "Evie" here.



How Big?

The past few weeks have been a ones of up and downs again.

I have found myself saying more times than I honestly care to share,

"When will she be here?"

The only reason I keep asking this is due to the fact that she has found solace in my left hip.

We were told that I was measuring small and that in order to really find out what was going on to do a growth scan to make sure that we was in fact growing the way that she should be.

I'm not going to turn down a chance to see our daughter, but at this point they had me worried.

Off to the doctor we go.

I find that the more anxious you are about an appointment the longer they make you wait.

My appointment was at 3:30 and we didn't go back to the ultrasound until 4:30 and by the time we left it was 5:15.

Anyway, no really good pictures of her face like everyone else, nope she had literally tucked herself all the way into my hip and refused to move for the whole ultrasound.

They found nothing worrisome and said she was in the 74th percentile for how far along I am.

The estimate of her weight was 3.6 lbs.

She also has some peach fuzz for hair.  This will only keep growing until she gets here.

There was still plenty of fluid around her and everything measured as it should.

She is always moving and I can say that I am going to miss all of these small moments with just us.

I have been asked many times to share a belly shot so I guess I will do that.

This is just two days ago at 31 weeks. 

Since the start of my pregnancy I have gained 30 lbs.

Before you get all worried that I am gaining too much weight, my doctor told me that I should gain between 40 and 50 lbs due to my start weight, which was 92.

However, I do wonder how much bigger I can get.

What do you think?

The good part of pregnancy is that I feel good and can eat pretty much all the time.

The "bad" part is that I have varicose veins, heartburn, restless leg syndrome, and hemorrhoids.

I know the last one is gross, but I'm not here to sugar coat pregnancy.

Even with the "bad" I am still enjoying every second of being pregnant.

The doctors are saying that I only have around 7-9ish weeks left and that they highly doubt that I will go until my due date of March 16th.

We will have to see!

Leave a comment with the day you will think she will be here!

I will put up a picture of her and hopefully you can make it out!

I have another appointment on Jan 17th so make sure you come back to see how that went next Friday when I post an update!

"Protesting"

Wow, one more week down.

This week has been one of ups and downs.

It started off happy and exciting. 

The middle of the week was uneventful.

Then yesterday happened.

Yesterday our baby girl decided to not move at all and make me worry all day that something was wrong.

How in the world can that happen?

I knew that when she would get here I would worry for the rest of my life about her,

but not if she didn't move during the day or not.

Nothing made her move.

Cookies, water, juice, hot drinks, cold drinks, or even random smells that would make her twist and turn.

She decided to even "protest" her movement with dad touching my belly and talking to her.

My goodness talk about stubborn.

It wasn't until I had a Bob Evans Wildfire Salad did she finally decide that she was ready to move.

Now with the holidays literally right around the corner, she is going to decide to cause problems.

Anyway, I love her just the same.

I had an appointment on Wednesday the 20th and everything seems to be right on track.

Measuring right where I should be at and she was jumping around and kicking back.

Her heart rate was at 164 which is normal for her!

The only down that I had the whole appointment was that I did have a coke and a hot chocolate to drink before going in so that decided to show up and get me a talking to.

Since I did pass my Glucose test (at a 117) they told me it was ok to give in when I wanted, just not all of the time.

I'm ok with all of that!

I started going every two weeks and now we are on the downslope of things.

Started the third trimester Friday the 23rd!!

Only 12ish weeks left and I could not be more excited about that countdown.

It seemed like it was so far away when we started the process of IVF.

Now here we are planning a shower, getting the room set up, pack-n-play put together,

and just waiting on her.

Birthing class is done, hospital tour is done, registry is done, and soon she will be done baking.

It is finally clicking that this Christmas and New Year will be our last as just the two of us.

Next year will be the best yet to come.

There will be a lot of changes to come within our family.

With how hard 2017 was we are all very welcoming of 2018.

I will be updating this blog each week on Friday's.

There may be more information with every other week until Feb since I start weekly appointments at that time.

If you have questions, make sure that leave me a comment down below and I'll make sure to answer it in the next update! 

Another Year Gone

As the year is finally coming to a close,

I have had time to sit and think about what this year has brought.

 

The start of 2017 started with the end of IVF and a pregnancy that was graciously welcomed.

By just the second month in the year was the shoe that dropped that.

Losing our son was one of the most heartbreaking events that has ever happened within my life.

Just a few short months later we started the IVF process again.

Got pregnant again with our little girl.

Everything was going great and then another shoe dropped.

Bleeding at just 9 weeks.

Everything turned out to be just fine, but didn't help my heart or nerves any.

The following weeks there was a death in the family.

This put everyone on edge in hoping that the rest of the year would somehow get better.

 

Now here I sit in December with the snow falling and the temperature chilling.

Today at 27 weeks, just one week shy of the third trimester.

Our daughter is moving more and more each day.

My growing midsection has people asking when I'm due and the wonderful gravitational pull to ones hand as they ask.

I don't mind this other than the fact I have no up or down to who these people are.

People no longer notice my eyes, smile, or above average size ears that I have; only the belly.

I have waited more than seven years for this to happen and couldn't be happier that it has.

 

This pregnancy hasn't been easy, but I wouldn't change that for anything.

The worry that I carried and still carry with me haunts me everyday.

Even when I feel her moving, I wonder if her movements are the right kind.

How do I know if everything is going the right way or not?

Am I doing everything possible to help her grow?

 

Being not able to eat meat some days has me worried.

The days that I do eat meat make me worried that something is wrong.

There are many times that I just sit in a semi-dark home and watch her bounce around.

Half of the photos that I have now on my photo are of me growing and comparing each week.

Some weeks are better than others and look bigger, then there are days where I look smaller and worry.

Worry has been at the top of my list for the last 27 weeks and will most likely be there for weeks to come.
 

Most of the days are good days and can't believe that I have what I have.
Other days there are struggles associated with pregnancy that I never knew.
I feel grateful for the back pain, the restless legs syndrome, and heartburn.
I know that these are all good things that come with pregnancy and could not be avoided.
Since doing IVF, which has its own challenges, I hope that our daughter knows how much she is really wanted, loved, and how much my heart needed her.

Coming up on the date that I found out that I was pregnant with her brother is difficult.
Full of mixed emotions.
Feelings of anxiousness and from that time to the time that his sister is here will drag on.
The day that I found out that I was pregnant with Dell was Christmas Eve.
Our little gift from God.
Quickly changed by Him needing him back too soon for my heart.
Every day I pray that things continue to go well for his sister.
We never know what could happen and we understand how quick things can change.
Dell taught me what the meaning of mom is.
Christmas this year will be much different without him here knowing that he should be looking at light, family holding him, and the joy of a little one here.
Now that I am expecting and will be pregnant during the time that I lost him makes my heart quiver.

There are many people that have asked, how do you feel?
I feel great, I feel worried, I feel tired, and I feel wonderfully excited.
I don't know if I will be the best mom in the world, I am sure that I will get the
"I hate you"
which is fine by me, while I know that will hurt, it will let me know that I am doing my job.
I can't wait to see my husband hold her and watch the love grow between them.
There are times that I know we will have moments of what are we doing.
That comes with being a parent.

Right now I am just enjoying that fact that I am pregnant after such long journey.
There are few things in this world that I feel that I need.
I need my husband, my family, friends, and then my daughter now.
My heart will always miss Dell, but I know that he is looking after us and making sure that his sister is growing and will be in my arms in the next 13 weeks.

For my final thoughts, love one another, be kind, and cherish every moment.
You never know when that time will be cut short.
Say I love you often, give hugs and kisses, and make sure you always call your family.

I will update this blog from now on each Friday!