Think before you ask

Think before you ask.  Daily there are questions that are asked, but no one knows the struggles that comes with those questions.  Understanding that not every question that you think should be asked.  Getting the question almost daily as to why one does not have children has become a routine for myself.  It is a game like hide and seek.  Hide and seek is God's way of showing us that if things are hidden in our life we must find them. Answers, questions, and frustrations. 

Think before you ask.  You see someone that has been married for years and still no children.  Maybe this is their choice and other times this is in God's plan.  I hear this on a monthly basis.  God does have a plan, but I feel that we should have a say in what our life is going to be.  Gandhi once said "You must be the change that you want to see in the world" What if in my world I see ourselves with 6 children, living in house that is just big enough, working for the things that we have, and still in love with each other as the day we met.  Shouldn't we have a choice.  There has to be a bigger plan in our life that what we see day after day.

Have you ever stood in one place and spun around in a circle with arms out until you almost fall down.  This is the life of someone trying to get pregnant that cannot.  There are those people that have trouble, I know, crazy.  After trying month after month, spinning in one place, doctor after doctor, more spinning.  Then out of nowhere everything stops, try to walk, sort things out, you fall...hard. Many people deal with this silent pain of getting back up and taking the hit again.  Many people I know have children and seemed to get pregnant by a sneeze, other couldn't get pregnant while standing on their head and pleading to the God's above.  We are those people.  After trying for months and getting the same results this is how the month would go. Track, period, sex, sex, sex, ovulate, sex, sex, wait, wait, wait, wait, day late, test, cry, rinse and repeat.  Most do not understand this, but those that have been trying you do. From a guys point of view I'm sure they are happy with all of the action they are getting, kinda like just finding out what they have and its magical power that it possess to us ladies that want a baby.  

I know that myself every time I see some lady that is going to have a baby I smile at them, but on the inside I want to throat punch them and run away crying.  Everyone that has struggled has at some point been in that unhappy place.  While everyone has started on their second, third, maybe fourth child, we sit at the baby shower silently sniffing the diaper filled with mystery chocolate acting happy.  I remember when I was getting married the lady in David's Bridal told the young lady she has "always a bridesmaid never a bride syndrome" well as we sniff that chocolate we have the "mother envy syndrome." We think we will never be a mother and that we are broken.  I like to say that I have baby fever, but my uterus thinks differently.  This takes the edge off when that person sees me buying yet another baby item that is not for myself. 

I get tired of the people that say you can have mine, that always go out, and use their children.  I would gladly take them for you do not know the struggles we carry.  I would stay home with the children for they are only here for a short time.  I would not use the children unless it was for the happiness of the family.  When you find someone that has the same burdens as you do there is a connection, not a small one, but a void seems to be filled.  There is a longing to just feel the love that is given, the longing to feel the moves, and the longing to make something that is both of you.  We live to feel loved, wanted, and needed this is who we are.  There are times that I drive my husband crazy for I do not know how he feels about the struggles that we have, what I do know is that leaning on each other will not make the craziness go away, but it will make us love each other more with every waking moment.

A wonderful life...

When I hear the attendant come on the radio and say something about turbulence I looked outside my window.  I could now start to feel plane jerk and creak with each move the pilot makes.  When I look out my window again, I know this will be an adventure.  Knowing that this was just a short trip but I know that not only my life will change but everyone's.  People will look back and wonder what we all thought and how we felt.

The clouds up here were pillows of silk who knew that down below we're fields and storms.  Up here we all were one with different stories and backgrounds.  I make small talk to the man beside me to distract myself from the churning stomach of mine. He is from California he asked where I was going. I lie and tell him home when really I'm going somewhere that I hope will not be my last destination. I have a feeling that he sees right past this and turn my head to look out my window again.  This time I notice a small break in the cloud cover and see a housing development.  I wonder if they even know we are up here.  I looked out further than just right out my window and see a cloud shaped like a mountain and beside that and ice cream cone with whip cream on top.  I wish I had food other than the small twisted hard dough that they wish to call a pretzel. The man beside me now is reading the bible I peek in the bible is a piece of paper that reads "stay clam and love God." I take this as God's way of saying everything will be alright.  The man comes on the radio again saying we will land within twenty. My heart leaps and then sinks back into my stomach.  I hate when we land almost as much as when we take off.  When we land everyone grabs their stuff like a lion pouncing on its prey. I sit and watch people leave and act like we don't know each other and never see each other again. I thank God for his message to stay calm, I will need it.

Military men and women coming home and leaving again. You can tell who the spouses and parents are when you see them.  On the next flight I sit beside a man that has been well for better of a word seasoned in the flying experience. He has the pillow, the headphones, the laptop, and no carry on.  He stays to himself and I'm happy about that; I have no need to make small talk with him and if I did he wouldn't know what I was saying anyway.  A few rows up I hear a baby laugh and I see one sleeping in the isle across from me.  This flight is cold unlike the first where it was steaming hot.  The clouds are clear, but I have a feeling that this will change. I can see the wing better on this flight also.  I love sitting next to the wing I can it move and always wonder how far we have come from from the first plane. This flight is the shortest I have been on with it only being 55 minutes long. All of the flight attendants are of Asian decent and speak English as if they were born here.  The one in red has a decent sense of humor telling people to lay down and sleep if they have the row to themselves.  As I look out of the window the sky has went completely white and that let's me know we are close to our destination.  It makes me wonder how they know where and how they are going and getting to where we need to go.

I still have not ate for the fear of being sick on a plane.  It is a wonder how I survive sometimes. The thought of landing makes me sick once again, but not as much as what will happen next. Getting my luggage. This is a struggle in itself for me since I weight as much as my luggage and it is as big as I am. People seem to not care and they watch you fight to get it off of the never-ending belt that rotates.  I don't know why they call it a baggage claim they should call it a workout while away from home. I'm sure the security personnel get a kick out of us doing this, they have a sick sense of humor.  Those that decide to pack their house, myself included, watch people pick everything up with ease. I hope that I will survive and not end up on the belt.  This time I have rented a car and we will see how this works out.  I drive a mid size car and the they have graciously provided us an SUV.  Not that I need it but with doing what I am doing my return trip well....it will be hell on earth. I will need the space in the car.

Every now and then I get a peek at the world below and it reminds me that we are part of something bigger.  What that something bigger is I have yet to find out.  I have many questions and it seems like no answers.

I hear the landing gear; this sound is the best knowing that I'm just a few short moments of being where I belong. This trip is hard for many reasons none that I can get into but not just for me but for a lot of people. It is bittersweet knowing what is going to happen.  Being me it isn't easy but I wouldn't have it another way. As I look down at the town below I wonder if that is where my husband is and hope he will return to.  I am happy for the experience that he has provided us with and everyday is different.  Many ask why I do this, the truth is I don't have to I want to.  I get to fall in love everyday and who wouldn't want that. See different places meet new people and try new things.  This is a dream and a nightmare rolled into one happy family.  This is our twisted happiness...kinda like my pretzel on my first flight.  Sometimes this life is hard, a little salty, sometimes twisted, but in the end it is wonderful.

Yesterday......

Yesterday was a day that stood still.  A reminder to all of us that we are still at war.  Not by someone overseas, but right here on American soil.

 

It all started with a run.  People remembering Patriots' Day.  Everyone from 18 up run.  They train for months to run 26 miles.

 

Out of around twenty-thousand runners, there were fifteen military soldiers.  What made these men stand out were the fact that they had on a "ruck".  Most people that run where tank tops and shorts.  These men were in full combat gear plus a ruck that weighted in at around 40 pounds.  They were running to remember those that had lost their lives overseas.

 

Little did they know that in 26 miles the training that they strive to achieve was going to come into action.  They knew what had to be done and did it.  Most soldiers don't see the war first hand and we should be happy about that.  These men did and now to see it on the home front was a different experience.

 

As I watched these men on the news removing the rubble from people, helping strangers, and pulling first-aid kits out of their rucks to help.  I couldn't help, but think of my husband.

 

I thought about what he would do, if he knew what to do, when to do it and why.  If he would help if he would try and find people that needed help.  If he would try and find who did this.  I found myself wanting to know who these hero's where.  They just weren't soldiers that were fighting they were kind souls that were helping the injured.

 

I feel sorry for the person that did this.  The person that made the two bombs that injured more than 180 and killed 3.  I feel sorry that when they are found what will happen.  For when you mess with The United States of America it will not go unnoticed. 

 

“We sleep safely at night because rough men stand ready to visit violence on those who would harm us.”
― Winston Churchill



One down 49 to go...

I made it to the driveway before I broke down.  I didn't pull the car into the garage I just sat there and cried.  I thought about everything that was and going to be inside, waiting.

 

I cried when I walked in, I cried on the couch, and I cried again when I cleaned the house.  It seemed like that is all I did. Hours and days passed and there I still sat; crying.  If someone said something or I saw something I cried.

 

Four days went by and I finally stopped.  I pulled myself together and thought...would he want me to do this...NO! He would want me to go on as normal and do everything just without him around.

 

I started by hanging a flag in my window that the wives used in WWII.  It touched me to be able to be apart of something that was this. I started getting things for pacakges. I even started learning new things.

 

I miss him, but I am very proud.

 

 

 

She had been proud of his decision to serve his country, her heart bursting with love and admiration the first time she saw him outfitted in his dress blues.

Days pass by...

The first few days are the worst.

Adjusting, sleeping, eating, and just living.

 Seems like things will never get back to like what it used to be.

 

I miss everything the first few days.  Normal routine is my big thing.  Being a military wife things are never normal.  You never thought that you could possibly do what you do.  I live my life by a plan most of the time.  One thing that I have been dealing with is having a life that has been turned upside down, inside out, and fliped back again.

I wonder how people do this everyday, more than once, more than twice, or more than three times.  I sat in our house for the first few days just thinking about random things.  Mostly about when, where and how.  I still do, but will get easier....I keep telling myself this.

 

 

Trip

I love my weekends.  Weekends with my husband, family, and my friends.  This weekend I am spending it with all.  Not for a reason that is happy nor sad.  For a reason that most people wouldn't even think about.

 

This weekend is my husbands Yellow Ribbon Ceremony.  What this means is that it is a day where everyone in the Army or military unit get together and talk about information before a deployment. 

 

That is right I said the word....deployment.  Let me break it down like this.  It is something that families in the military hate to hear.  It is something that we don't look forward to.  It is time spent AWAY from loved ones.  Birthdays, holidays, graduations, weddings, births and many more things missed.

 

We can not join them.  We can only sit back and think about.  We don't let it run our lives and we take it with a gain of salt and keep moving.  Most of us think of it as a speed bump in the road and thats that.  Others let it run their lives and consume every moment of their lives.  We knew that it was possible that he would go in the eight years that he would be in.  We just didn't think it would be this soon. 

 

Let us think about what I said for just a moment.  That is right....this is just my point of view.  Not his or any other person in the military.  They all have different views.  Some are excited others not so much.  Some think of this as a great thing others don't want to.  I know they are all worried, scared, and nervous.  They, however, will not let this show.  The are strong and know that this is their job.  Just like everyone that works, some days are better than others. 

 

We all continue to go about our lives and forget about those that are over there right now.  Families that do this everyday.  They don't seek special treatment or want a thank you.  They just want the other half of thier heart back.  This is what I will want in the next few months.  Yes, it will be hard.  We have to look at the happy points that when they come back we will get the firsts all over again.  First kiss, first hug, and first everything agian. That is LOVE and it never fails. It just grows.

Remembering...

So this year marks six years since you have been gone.  This is the hardest other than the first year.  Everything was the same as it was that year.  The snow, the smells, the things I even saw.  It doesn't matter how long it has been I will always remember that day like yesterday.

 

A lot has happened since that day.  Many weddings, many births, and many more deaths.  It makes it easier thinking that you are there looking down on us now.  Sitting up in your own personal heaven.  You always knew what to say.  I just wonder what it would be like if you were still around.  Where we all would be, who we would be, and who we would be with. 

 

I know that we don't walk alone on this earth.  God is there walking with us and I hope that the ones that we loved are walking with us too.  Pushing us in the right direction of where this life will take us. 

 

 

 

Faith...

I have never been a real big "believer" in God or a higher power. I lost my faith a long time ago when I lost people that were very close to me. I have been tested, pushed, crushed, and brought down. My faith in a lot of things has been tried and torn away. It wasn't until this past year that I took that step back.

When my husband joined the Army I was crushed. I knew that he wanted to and was supportive of him. I could only think how I was going to do this not how we were going to do this. We took each other for granted and didn't realize that until he left. He was gone for months and in that time we couldn't really talk; we could only write. We learned how to communicate and how to lean on others around us during that time.

My faith in God has been slowing coming back. With some friends help and some pushing from Him I'm sure. I realize that it wasn't always just about me or us, but about others around us. Despite what is going on and in the next few months what will be happening I hope that my faith continues to grow.

James 1:3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.