"Protesting"

Wow, one more week down.

This week has been one of ups and downs.

It started off happy and exciting. 

The middle of the week was uneventful.

Then yesterday happened.

Yesterday our baby girl decided to not move at all and make me worry all day that something was wrong.

How in the world can that happen?

I knew that when she would get here I would worry for the rest of my life about her,

but not if she didn't move during the day or not.

Nothing made her move.

Cookies, water, juice, hot drinks, cold drinks, or even random smells that would make her twist and turn.

She decided to even "protest" her movement with dad touching my belly and talking to her.

My goodness talk about stubborn.

It wasn't until I had a Bob Evans Wildfire Salad did she finally decide that she was ready to move.

Now with the holidays literally right around the corner, she is going to decide to cause problems.

Anyway, I love her just the same.

I had an appointment on Wednesday the 20th and everything seems to be right on track.

Measuring right where I should be at and she was jumping around and kicking back.

Her heart rate was at 164 which is normal for her!

The only down that I had the whole appointment was that I did have a coke and a hot chocolate to drink before going in so that decided to show up and get me a talking to.

Since I did pass my Glucose test (at a 117) they told me it was ok to give in when I wanted, just not all of the time.

I'm ok with all of that!

I started going every two weeks and now we are on the downslope of things.

Started the third trimester Friday the 23rd!!

Only 12ish weeks left and I could not be more excited about that countdown.

It seemed like it was so far away when we started the process of IVF.

Now here we are planning a shower, getting the room set up, pack-n-play put together,

and just waiting on her.

Birthing class is done, hospital tour is done, registry is done, and soon she will be done baking.

It is finally clicking that this Christmas and New Year will be our last as just the two of us.

Next year will be the best yet to come.

There will be a lot of changes to come within our family.

With how hard 2017 was we are all very welcoming of 2018.

I will be updating this blog each week on Friday's.

There may be more information with every other week until Feb since I start weekly appointments at that time.

If you have questions, make sure that leave me a comment down below and I'll make sure to answer it in the next update! 

Another Year Gone

As the year is finally coming to a close,

I have had time to sit and think about what this year has brought.

 

The start of 2017 started with the end of IVF and a pregnancy that was graciously welcomed.

By just the second month in the year was the shoe that dropped that.

Losing our son was one of the most heartbreaking events that has ever happened within my life.

Just a few short months later we started the IVF process again.

Got pregnant again with our little girl.

Everything was going great and then another shoe dropped.

Bleeding at just 9 weeks.

Everything turned out to be just fine, but didn't help my heart or nerves any.

The following weeks there was a death in the family.

This put everyone on edge in hoping that the rest of the year would somehow get better.

 

Now here I sit in December with the snow falling and the temperature chilling.

Today at 27 weeks, just one week shy of the third trimester.

Our daughter is moving more and more each day.

My growing midsection has people asking when I'm due and the wonderful gravitational pull to ones hand as they ask.

I don't mind this other than the fact I have no up or down to who these people are.

People no longer notice my eyes, smile, or above average size ears that I have; only the belly.

I have waited more than seven years for this to happen and couldn't be happier that it has.

 

This pregnancy hasn't been easy, but I wouldn't change that for anything.

The worry that I carried and still carry with me haunts me everyday.

Even when I feel her moving, I wonder if her movements are the right kind.

How do I know if everything is going the right way or not?

Am I doing everything possible to help her grow?

 

Being not able to eat meat some days has me worried.

The days that I do eat meat make me worried that something is wrong.

There are many times that I just sit in a semi-dark home and watch her bounce around.

Half of the photos that I have now on my photo are of me growing and comparing each week.

Some weeks are better than others and look bigger, then there are days where I look smaller and worry.

Worry has been at the top of my list for the last 27 weeks and will most likely be there for weeks to come.
 

Most of the days are good days and can't believe that I have what I have.
Other days there are struggles associated with pregnancy that I never knew.
I feel grateful for the back pain, the restless legs syndrome, and heartburn.
I know that these are all good things that come with pregnancy and could not be avoided.
Since doing IVF, which has its own challenges, I hope that our daughter knows how much she is really wanted, loved, and how much my heart needed her.

Coming up on the date that I found out that I was pregnant with her brother is difficult.
Full of mixed emotions.
Feelings of anxiousness and from that time to the time that his sister is here will drag on.
The day that I found out that I was pregnant with Dell was Christmas Eve.
Our little gift from God.
Quickly changed by Him needing him back too soon for my heart.
Every day I pray that things continue to go well for his sister.
We never know what could happen and we understand how quick things can change.
Dell taught me what the meaning of mom is.
Christmas this year will be much different without him here knowing that he should be looking at light, family holding him, and the joy of a little one here.
Now that I am expecting and will be pregnant during the time that I lost him makes my heart quiver.

There are many people that have asked, how do you feel?
I feel great, I feel worried, I feel tired, and I feel wonderfully excited.
I don't know if I will be the best mom in the world, I am sure that I will get the
"I hate you"
which is fine by me, while I know that will hurt, it will let me know that I am doing my job.
I can't wait to see my husband hold her and watch the love grow between them.
There are times that I know we will have moments of what are we doing.
That comes with being a parent.

Right now I am just enjoying that fact that I am pregnant after such long journey.
There are few things in this world that I feel that I need.
I need my husband, my family, friends, and then my daughter now.
My heart will always miss Dell, but I know that he is looking after us and making sure that his sister is growing and will be in my arms in the next 13 weeks.

For my final thoughts, love one another, be kind, and cherish every moment.
You never know when that time will be cut short.
Say I love you often, give hugs and kisses, and make sure you always call your family.

I will update this blog from now on each Friday!
 

#LOVEDbaby

There have been more times than not with the pregnancy that I have found myself

saying over and over the Serenity Prayer:

"Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

These words I found hard to repeat after the loss of my son in Feb.

It wasn't that these words didn't come to mind, but it was the anger that I found deep within

my soul that wouldn't allow it to happen.

Instead of asking for the serenity to accept what I couldn't change, it was an almost demand to change what had happened.

The only courage that I found was to yell, cry, and eat my feelings; not change my attitude.

My wisdom didn't come until weeks later when I was able to face what happened to me.

One thing was for certain, these "feelings" didn't come all at once or at the same time.

They came days, weeks, and months later.

I asked God on a daily basis "why" and "how"

In asking those questions, I go nowhere other than turning further away from Him.

I needed answers and needed them right in that moment.

What it something that I did?

Was this Karma from something I didn't do?

Am I not going to be a good enough mother?

Did my husband and I fight and the baby didn't want to stay with us?

These questions, looking back now, are awful.

If you have said these questions to yourself, you are not alone in that.

Many think that they did something that caused the loss of their baby.

Looking on "Dr. Google" didn't make matters any better.

I longed for others like me and what they were thinking.

Facebook became my saving grace.

I found a group on there

"Loved Baby"

The closed group gave me the safety to say what I was feeling, to see that I was no alone.

To say that I was made, hurt, and terrified to get pregnant again.

In finding this group and reading others comment by the minute I knew those thoughts that I had,

were not just my thoughts.

When you loose a baby before the second trimester, doctors most of the time say:

It's most likely caused by chromosomal abnormalities.

I couldn't except that answer; it wasn't enough.

It felt like the easy way out for the doctors.

Finding that wasn't our case didn't make it easier, but I knew he was going to be healthy.

Those thoughts that I did something came stronger and stronger, 

but knew that was not the case day by day.

Some find that it was an abnormality and that makes it easier to stomach.

While others, like myself, are left with no answers.

No matter what the feeling of failure lingers for most.

Something came over me after each week.

Sometimes it was anger and others pure emptiness.

I would yell at people for no reason, cry while sitting in my car, and then just be silent.

It was a roller coaster that I couldn't get off of.

What did not make things easier were what others would say.

Their advise ranged from, it happens to maybe you didn't pray hard enough.

This is something that no one wants to hear.

What I truly needed in those moments was pure quiet and a warm embrace. 

I didn't want or need advise at that time.

I didn't want to be bothered.

I simply just wanted to be alone unless someone was going to just hold me and say nothing.

I started to turn to the group more and more and finally decided to share my story.

Finding that Mother's Day was coming up that is when I decided to share about the loss.

It was more for all of the other Mother's that felt like I did that day, lost.

I found that in that group it was "hope" that others wanted.

In June Sarah Philpott came out saying there was going to be a book release for "loved baby."

I immediately jumped at the chance to share something that would help others heal.

Since that day, my book arrived and as I read page after page of what I was feeling I knew it was going to be special.

I want to share with one person this book.

A book that has stories of loss, how to cope, grieve, and cherish that child that you or someone you know has lost.

This book talks about everything that I wish would be talked about.

When you have a loss you loose who you are too, that is talked about.

Trying to find all the answers, that's there too.

Those questions that you have about intimacy, how to reconnect with your spouse, and how to help dad out too.

If you would like to be put into this drawing, please send me an email at gretchen.magoto@gmail.com.

I will then pick a winner at the beginning of Nov.

If you wish to purchase this book on your own you can find the link here:

https://www.fashionandcompassion.com/products/loved-baby-bundle

This bundle includes the book and a bracelet.

On the bracelet is a Sterling Silver heart and a charm that says loved.

This book has opened my eyes and spoke directly to my heart.

The words are kind, calming, and easy on a hurting soul.

Each day is a new day and I pray for your healing, your heart to become whole, and your baby to be remembered.

You are not alone and this book will show you that.

#LOVEDbaby 

A Letter to You

Dear Son,
I can’t believe that nine months ago we found out that we were expecting you. You made yourself
known right away by making me sick and exhausted, but at the same time joyous. After years of trying to get you, there you were. I could hardly keep my calm as we walked into the doctor office to see you. After years of only looking at wasn’t there, there you were. No bigger than a minute, but a heartbeat that will always be with me. You were small, measuring almost a week behind, but we thought that was a normal thing since we weren’t very big ourselves. We were so excited to see you that day that we didn’t even record your heartbeat until later. A sound that makes me realize now, is one of the best sounds in the world. We left that day with a due date of September 2nd. Wow, how perfect could that be? A week after your dad and a week before me. Labor Day weekend. We even joked about what a whole new meaning that weekend would bring. We immediately started to make plans for you. How we would tell people, when we would announce, how we would announce, your name, and started to think if you were a girl or a boy, and what our lives would be like with you in it. For weeks, we kept it a secret, only telling those closest to us. A few friends and family members, which was hard since we found out about you during Christmas, our little present, a gift from God.

We put all of our hopes and dreams into you, even when we knew the risks. I’ll never forget the day I
found out that you were no longer soulfully with me, only physically. Your heartbeat gone, no moving of your arms or legs on the screen, you were just silent and peaceful. My heart in that moment shattered like a mirror being thrown across the room. How could I, your mother, not know you were gone? However, I did know and that was why I went in that day and I have to remind myself of that. I went home thinking about what you would have been doing in your life, what you would have looked like, and most of all who you were. My heart hurt not for me or for my husband, but for you and what you could have been in this world.

I carried you knowing that you were gone for days, in the hopes that you would come on your own, but just like in the beginning, you were stubborn. I had to have a surgery that hurt deep into my soul, heart, and mind that will always hurt. I remember some of that day, but what stood out in my mind was the pain. When I asked why so bad, the answer I got was,"honey, those are contractions." Contractions, really, these things that were causing ever bone in my body to hurt? I knew right then what they had given me. Something to induce labor something to make you physically gone from me.

I talked to everyone that day that I passed in the hallway, thinking that maybe I wasn’t nice enough for you to be here. I made jokes, laughed, and then it hit me as the last contraction came; sleep. When I woke up from that pain killers were given, a counselor sat beside me, and my picture of your dad and me in my hand. As soon as I looked at the counselor I cried. I cried for you to be back with me, I cried for the empty future without you, and knew I was empty and no longer connected to you. All that was said to me was that this was going to be hard living without you, take time to process this, and it is ok to not be ok.

Oh baby, was that lady right. It took months for me to feel "normal" again. Not normal in a mental
sense, but physical. I turned more mad than sad, more bitter than sweet, and wanted nothing to do
with people. All I wanted was you back. I wanted to find out who you were and if you were sick. Turns out you were a boy and not sick at all. A boy. A son that we knew you would be. Rowdy, dirty, sweet, brown hair, eyes that matched us both, long fingers and toes, and killer smile. These things are all of what I imagined about you in the moment they told me. It was harder knowing that you were a boy for some, but for me easier so I could name you. Dell Vee Magoto. This was not on our list for you and came to me one day in a wave of comfort. After this name didn’t leave me I had to look up the meanings of them. Dell means Valley and Vee means Sacred Place. How fitting for a little boy that I’m sure wanted to know why he wasn’t with his mother and father.

Dell I want you to know that I think about you every day. My "hopes"  you have changed in more
ways than you know. I hope that you are proud of us. I hope that you are being loved and taken care
of. I hope you will always see the good in people and are being friendly. I hope you are keeping your
great-grandparents on their toes. Above all of those things, I hope that you are showing those that
couldn’t be parents here on Earth what it is like to be a parent in Heaven.

While I am sad that we weren’t the first to see you, I am happy that the first person you saw was Jesus. I see you in everything that I do. I see you in the butterfly that is purple that follows us around the yard. I see you in the sunset and sunrise. I see you in my dreams and in my heart. I see you when I start to feel overwhelmed and sad in the random rainbows and rainstorms that aren’t on radar. I want you to know that I see you all around.

Thank you for letting me be your mother even for a short time. Thank you for teaching me love at literally first sight and sound. Thank you for bringing your father and I closer together. I can’t wait to see you, hold you, love you, and watch you grow. Until that time, please continue to show me you are around.

I love you Dell Vee

Always,
Your Earth Bound Mother

Long Overdue

I felt like after my last post it was time to just take a step back and relax.

I do get heated with my thoughts about infertility, 

but that does not mean that others are not entitled to their own thoughts as well.

When I last wrote about what was actually going on with me was back June 28th, just two days post my 3 day transfer of my embryos.

We transferred two in the hopes that one if not both would stick around for nine months.

The third we crossed our fingers thinking that it could make it to day five and be perfect to freeze.

Well good news number one.

The third embryo made it to day five to freeze, was perfect, and the zona was starting to thin.

How wonderful is that?!?

Now the real reason you are reading this, most likely wanting to know if I currently sit pregnant or not.

Well you are going to have to keep reading like any good mystery novel to find out what is going on.

I'm first going to take you back to the wait that everyone is curious about.

Do you have to wait like everyone else to find out?

Short and simple answer to that question...yes.

I have to wait, but I get to take a blood best to make sure that it is real and not pee on a stick at home at 7 am.

But, who am I kidding, I still got up at 7 am to pee on that stick to see if there were two lines.

For two weeks I kept taking the PIO shot in my upper outer quadrant of my butt cheek. 

Mind you those shots are when my husband gets off of work at 1 am.

So I go to sleep, wake up get the shot ready, go back to sleep, wake up take the shot, then go to bed.

Some people ask me why I don't give me myself.

Easy two part answer.

1. I'm not that flexible to give myself a shot with an inch needle.

2. I want my husband to feel like he is apart of the process.

During those two weeks you really don't know what is "baby" or what is "PIO."

The shot makes your boobs hurt, constipated, and moody.

All of these things could also be the baby that is developing into that tadpole/alien that it looks like.

Either way, something could or could not be happening during those weeks.

One of my "signs" of pregnancy is a runny nose and exhaustion.

 So I kept an eye out for those symptoms.

My blood test was set for July 7th.

I woke up everyday thinking about getting past this day and just one day closer to blood test day.
Once I started to get a runny nose and started to feel exhausted I knew things were happening.

On the morning of my blood test I was nervous and worried.
I just wanted to know that things were going well.
When I was pregnant with my son my numbers started out really high, 1123.
The goal this time was anything over 50.
It was.
251.1
I am pregnant.
I was immediately terrified.
I went back two days later to see if it was doubling.
768
More than doubled.
I went back three two days later to make sure they were still going up.
1548.1
It's starting to sink in that they are still around.
My babies decided to stick around with me.

More blood work, shots, and appointments were going to happen.
Right now I am just trying to make it day to day and week to week.
You never know how you are going to feel after a miscarriage and getting pregnant again.
Every twinge, stab, cramp, and pain; makes me nervous.
I close my eyes and just hope and pray that these little guys stick around.
So that is it.
Right now I am 6 weeks and 4 days
It is absolutely crazy to think that I have been pregnant twice in the same year.
There are still so many days, weeks, and months to go.
I'm overwhelmed by all of my emotions, but looking forward to each week of my pregnancy.
This is truly a gift and they will never be taken for granted.

Judgement

On my way to work this morning I decided to listen to a Christian station just to see what they were talking about.

It just so happened to be talking about IVF.

A process that I have done now two different times, one of which just happened this week.

Father John started off saying how terrible this process is and how it ends in stillbirth and abnormal children that have issues.

That IVF should be avoided at all costs and that the process should be avoided completely.

He talked for almost an hour about how terrible of people we are when we choose this path.

However, you would think that this would make me mad, but it didn’t.

Everyone has their own thoughts on the process.

IF it should be done or shouldn’t is always a hot topic.

What made me mad, or rather hurt my heart; was what he had to say next.

 It could be the hormones talking since I just shot up with three shots a day for the last two weeks.

Or it could be that I have two little embryos that are hanging out in my uterus that I’m really protective over right now.

He said the following:

“IVF is a surgical procedure that gets lots of eggs to be fertilized in a dish.  Then the “parents” choose what looks best and then aborts the others.”

“They just harvest all of these eggs and then the man does the most unthinkable sin and then put all of the eggs and sperm in a dish and go for it.”

“If they do ICSI then they could possibly not pick one of the best sperm.”

The first part of his statement sure that part is true, I produced nine follicles, but only 4 mature eggs, three of which fertilized.

The second part of his statement says that we abort our non-chosen embryo.

NO.  JUST NO.

Transferring back three embryos could be a dangerous thing.

I chose two of mine that I thought had the best chance, leaving one to still DEVELOP in the office.

That one embryo had a better cell count that one of the embryos I transferred back, so no I didn’t “abort” my other possible child.

Most of the time all don’t survive to day five and further.

That is not OUR choice.

The process is not just “throw them in a dish.”

After than guy does his thing, they wash the sperm to ensure that those that wouldn’t make it in the natural environment aren’t chosen.

Stillbirth and miscarriage can happen to literally anyone regardless of IVF, IUI, meds taken, or not.

I have seen those that get pregnant first time trying naturally, I have seen those get pregnant after “just one more try” of IVF.

This process of infertility isn’t a pick and choose deal.

It’s not a let’s make a deal show.

There isn’t a million dollars in a case.

It is a possibility of producing a child that you can raise.

A child that is a part of both you and your significant other.

A child that is from you regardless of path that you have chosen.

I spent thousands of dollars, took hundreds of shots, dozens of pills, and suffered heartache for seven years to get where I am.

Just because I chose IVF as my path to have children, my son, and my hopeful babies right now.

Doesn’t make me love them any less.

Yes, I do think about the embryos I lost, as I am sure others in this path do too.

My son who I lost will always be my son and I his mother regardless of how he was made.

They are still my husband and I together.

Many people don’t understand the process until they are a part of it.

The “group” that no one wants to be a part of.

The 1 in 8 women who WANT to be parents, but can’t be.

There is a month dedicated to these women, these mothers in waiting, the infertile.

That is as of 2000 something 38.5million women that could be infertile.

The priest went on to say one of my favorite lines I hear during this process.

“You can just adopt.”

Along the same lines he decided to say that these babies need saving since those doing IVF would just abort theirs if given the chance.

I have no problem with adoption.

My husband have talked about this a lot over the past few years.

A lot of people I know adopt and the children act like them hands down.

I love they are given the chance at adoption.

Currently IVF for us is covered mostly by insurance due to my health and adoption isn’t covered by insurance.

We can’t afford the amount of money that can go into adoption, but can afford IVF.

This man also said that the babies conceived by these treatments aren’t out of love, but out of want.

Please, get over yourself man.

I know plenty of babies that have been conceived with no love attached by the old fashioned way.

Some of which that are married that just did it to get the baby with no emotions involved.

Some that have been raped, yeah I’m sure there was love there.

Come on love has nothing to do with getting pregnant.

If that was the case then this would have happened to almost all of us doing these procedures.

Before going through this process I had a talk with my aunt who is a pastor.

Asking her is this a sin, are we messing with God’s way, are we doing the wrong thing?

She simply replied back that she has done many baptisms for those that are IVF babies and they act just the same as any other child.

I work in a church and have had conversations with a lot of people there that have been in my shoes.

These people want everyone to have a baby no matter what.

I am sure there are people that you talk to on a daily basis that you don’t know got pregnant by a treatment.

I am sure that this man has been around children that he didn’t even know were IVF babies.

My heart hurts today for the embryos that I am carrying.

My heart hurts for the ones that I have lost.

I wanted them more than anything in the world.

My heart hurts for my son that I lost.

If want could bring my son back, he would be here with me.

If want could bring all of my embryos back, I would have 8 here with me.

I would be content with 8 “children.”

IVF or IUI it doesn’t matter, our babies are wanted and out of LOVE.

His statements will stay with me for a long time.

These hurtful words and thoughts.

How is he to judge others and what they do?

Our children are loved no matter if they made it to just embryos, were miscarried, or born sleeping.

These are our children.

Counting My Eggs

When I wrote my last post it was about the heartbreak that happened with retrieval.

It is such an emotional roller coaster of emotions.

Just when you thought that you had hit all of the major drops, one surprises you.

On Saturday we went from nine all the way down to four and ended the day with three.

My heart hurt, my stomach churned, and my eyes cloudy.

I then thought of all those around me that don't get to do this due to funds.

I tried to take a step back, separate myself from what could be, and just live.

You almost have to remove yourself from the possibility of what those embryos could become. 

I spent most of my day on Sunday worried that those three tiny living things would not be there the next day.  

That my "children" weren't being taken care of, that they would somehow disappear.

My husband took my hand on more than one occasion and told me to just breathe.

To think positive.

That glass of water that I associate positiveness with is almost empty.

Then I thought for just a moment, that last drop of water in my glass is a thirsty man's dream.

I sucked it up and kept going.

Took it easy since I wasn't feeling well and relaxed.

We watched movies and spent that time together.

The next morning I would get the results of what happened over the weekend.

I was up before 7 am and called the office right at 7:30 to see.

No answer and they didn't answer until 8:30.

By that time my heart was sinking and hope was wavering.

Again, think positive came from the bedroom.

Finally, I was able to get in touch with the embryologist.

Exact word:

"We haven't checked on them yet."

WHAT?!?

Politely I asked him to please check on him since I have a long drive ahead of me to get there.

A call back:

"All three made it."

How can that be?

All three are still here?

My babies are all still here?

So many questions came to mind, but only three did.

1. What did they look like?

2. When can I transfer?

3. What are the chances of this working?

You could hear him laugh and tell me that I had two 8 cell grade 1 and a 6 cell grade 1.

"Perfect day 3 embryos that you can transfer with great possibility. Today would work."

Quickly I jumped into the shower and we were on our way.

For the second time this year I would again be pregnant.

Half way to the doctors office I began to panic when that hit me.

My husband knowing me the way he does grabbed my hand and simply said "I love you."

It is amazing what those three words mean at a time like this.

We ended up transferring two embryos and leaving one behind.

An 8 cell and 6 cell where back with me.

I felt an instant calmness.

My babies are back.

Warm.

We left one 8 cell behind due to a small issue.

The zona that surrounds the embryo was darker than they liked.

A common happening with endometriosis.

We are still hopeful and sad that we left her alone in that room, but we do hope she will make it to freeze.

Just three days prior to that I was counting my eggs before we knew what was going to happen.

Many times in our lives we count on things that aren't really able to be counted.

While right now I am considered "pregnant until proven otherwise" with two embryos,

we do say they, twins, and both.

Our hopes that both make in there, but we also know the possibility of both is slim.

We talk to them, tell them to hold on, stick around, and play music.

Everyday I take medicine, pills, and vitamins to make sure they decide to stay put.

I will do everything in my power again to make sure that our "babies" make it.

Anyone that has been in this situation does the same thing.

Hope, pray, cross fingers and toes, and they keep quiet.

Keep quiet.

That is what most do with infertility since it is such a taboo subject.

It wasn't until Chrissy Teigen, Tyra Banks, Celine Dion and a few others came out

that I did too.

They all talk about the heartache, want, need, and helplessness you find during this process.

Celine Dion said something that I will live by during this

 "I will try until they tell me I can't anymore."

Having a child for me isn't a check off a box, not just something to do.

Having children is seeing my husband in a smaller version mixed with my attitude.

It is seeing them grow into a stubborn teen.

Teaching them to become something that will be a great asset to society.

At the same time my husband and I also say to each other

"I'm ok if it is just us too."

Don't count your eggs.

Count the blessings that you have.

You could have 40 eggs and go down to 2.

Those 2 eggs are the blessings that could be.

I tried not to let my mind wonder about what is happening inside my womb and live in my 

PUPO bubble.

I love the feeling that I am growing life and instantly feel calm, loved, and happy.

The progesterone is kicking my butt and I am happy about that. 

The tiredness, sickness, sore boobs, let me know that it is doing its job.

So here is to our little embryos that could that are growing to become our babies.

Keep trying until they tell you you can't anymore.

I hope to see you in 9 months and your bother is looking after you both.

Heartbreak

I have been sharing my journey of IVF for the last two weeks.

The ups and downs of emotions, weight gain, shots, and whatever else may arise.

When I started IVF the for the first time in 2016 I was excited to finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. 

The light that came with a child at the end, a family; my family.

When I lost our little boy, that light went away.

I could no longer see what was in front of me, beside me, or what could be.

My heart was broken.

When I started IVF just last month, I wasn’t as excited.

I could no longer see what could be or what I wanted.

Still, I mixed my meds and took those shots like a champ.

Got poked and prodded for weeks.

Only to find out that we only had four mature follicles.

Heartbreak number one had happened.

Retrieval happened on June 23^rd, but between that and the start of IVF four people announced their pregnancies and about a dozen had their babies.

How is it so easy for them when I can’t even respond to my medication?

Why them and not me?

Will, I not be a good mother or my husband a good dad?

Why us?

When retrieval happened, we were only expecting to get those four follicles.

Not the case, seven I heard the doctor say. Seven.

The nurse came in with a smile on her face, nine. Nine?

What is happening?

Our numbers are going up!

The number we started with last time was nine too.

I could finally see that light flicker at the end of that tunnel again.

Until this morning on June 24^th, that changed and the light started to flicker.

Dark, cold, lonely, and scared.

As the embryologist said with hope in her voice

“Three are left.”

How can we go from nine to three so fast?

I lost seven right out of the gate.

Six not even good enough to fertilize.

I simply took this as, I’m not good enough.

I can’t even make eggs the right way.

Hormones immediately kicked in.

Cry, hating myself, and questioning everything that could be.

Heartbreak number two was there and raw.

We still have 24 hours before we know if those three even decide to keep splitting and enter either the cleavage or blastocyst stage.

(cleavage: day 2 or 3)

(blastocyst: day 5 or 6)

Breakdown of time:

Day 1: Zygote (just a mature egg)

Day 2: Should have 2-4 cells

Day 3: Can be anywhere from 6-10 cells

Day 5: Blastocyst 16-32 cells

All but the Zygote are embryos.

Embryo: an unborn offspring in development.

They will stay in this stage until 8 weeks then they become a fetus, but no matter what a living offspring.

So right now, we have three “babies” growing in an office.

They are my hope, joy, love, and family.

They could be a teacher, doctor, lawyer, busboy, cashier, or go into the service.

They are as of right now starting to become my children.

The high hopes that I have for them are still there, just like they were with my son.

I am scared, worried, and heartbroken that my now fertilized embryos won’t have a chance like the other six zygotes and one fertilized didn’t.

I want everyone to look at their mother, daughter, sister, aunt, grandmother, any female in your life.

When fertilization happens (sperm meets egg) the gender is determined.

When a female is being formed in the womb, she will start making all the eggs she will ever have.

When she is born so are her kids.

Think about that for a minute and take it in.

Just like all the women before me I was born with my future children.

As a female gets older her eggs do too and they also start to diminish.

Hence the phrase “Your clock is ticking.”

This process reminds me of Cinderella at Midnight.

I am cutting it close to that strike of midnight and my ball is trying to become a mother.

For the next two days, I will be holding my breath, crossing all my fingers and toes, wishing on stars,

all for the chance to get the family that we have wanted for the last seven years.

That light is still very dim at that end of that tunnel and will be until we find out how many we have left.

I want nothing than to be the mother that I know I am.

On the same side, I want more for my husband to be the dad I know he is.

Those three embryos are the chance of life.

Right now, they know no fear, worry, or hunger.

Right now, I am a fearing for them, worrying about their health, and their need to grow.

Those during IVF know that just because we are doing this process it is not a guaranteed child.

What this process is on the other hand is, crazy, hormonal, up and down, scary, and changes you on a different level that some won’t even begin to understand.

My life is split light this sunrise.

Bright and hopeful one side and dark and stormy on the other.

Holy Bloat

On June 10th I started my shots.

That is such a big statement.

That means that things are moving forward with my IVF journey.

My husband is currently gone and that meant every shot I would have to do myself this time.

Two shots every day.

This time I thought that I would show you what those medicines that you hear can do to your body.

This is something that is really personal since it is my body and well...not naked, but feels like it.

My body type is slim.

Everyone that I meet says if I turn to the side you would miss me.

I can hide behind some of the smallest trees in the neighborhood and well that was my goal in life.

So here it is the "good" stuff that you all have been waiting for.

Today is June 16th and I have been doing shots now for almost a week.

Remember, I am NOT pregnant right now, only trying to get my ovaries to produce as many follicles as possible TO get pregnant.

For those that are reading I am on Follostim, Menopur, and Cetrotide, with a Pregnyl trigger shot.

All of these meds will be gone by the end of my most likely 12 days.

Don't worry that long needle on the syringe doesn't go anywhere near me.

It is only used for mixing....thankfully!

I'm going to start from the start. Before the shots and show you what I look or rather looked like.

Oh flat little belly....how I miss you.

Day 1:

My dosage is easy to figure out.

225 of Follostim 

150 of Menopur.

When I started this last November I had no idea how to mix the Menopur or dial any medication, now I can pretty much do it with my eyes closed.

Last time, I would pinch the spot, close my eyes, count to three, and my husband would give the shot.

Now, I still pinch the spot, close my eyes, and count to three, and then do the shot myself.

I know what you are thinking CLOSE YOUR EYES!! 

Yes, I do. 

 It's like a surprise party when someone already told you about it.

It's not as big as a surprise, but still one in the end.

After the first day I took this picture:

Not too big of a change and still pretty small. 

The shots were to be given at 8 pm and that will be the time every night for the next however long I have to do them for.  

However, my mind got the best of me and the shot didn't actually happen until 8:30pm.

It happens.

Day 2:

Went a lot better and only took about 10 minutes to do the shots.

I made my first mistake and had to stick myself more than what I should have.

I pulled the needle out while trying to push the plunger down.

Remember to move slowly, unlike myself.

I started my cycle today and that is always fun.  

It will be shorter because of the shots, but still hate that part of being a girl.

A text would be so much better than what we deal with.

The belly is getting a little bit bigger, but still not too big.

I'm starting to feel fuller than normal, which is a good thing.

Day 3:

Getting much easier to give the shot, but still hate the thought of needles.

I felt like I stayed the same size as the day before.

Day 4:

I couldn't find a good place to pinch any fat even with the belly getting bigger, but managed to find a place.  Hurt like no other, but did it and rewarded myself with cookie dough afterward from 

The Cookie Dough Cafe

The belly is bigger than the day before and I went for my doctor appointment the next day to find out what was going on and how things were growing or not growing.

At this point I was getting bigger and didn't think anything of it.

Day 5:

Doctors appointment day.

I hate these days.

Not only do I have to get up before the sun, but I have to get blood taken.

Blood work was ok...not as great as what they wanted, but for where I am it was good.

E2 (estrogen) was at a 74.

Follicles were growing.

The right side always starts out slow for me and then catches up in the end.

Left is always the over achiever in the beginning trying to show off, but toward the end slacks off.

Right: 8mm

Left: 9mm, 4mm, 6mm, 4mm,

I'll take it for now.

I have to go back on Saturday, June 17th for more blood work and another ultrasound.

 That night my shots didn't go as well this night as they day before.

Took about 30 minutes again.

Stupid brain making me overthink that I have to jab a needle into my stomach.

Things changed from the day before and they noticed how big I was.

They told me to stop with water and start with drinks that have electrolytes.

The fear of OHSS (Ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome) hit hard.

For anyone reading and don't know what OHSS is or are looking at IVF it is when  there is too much hormone medication in your system and the ovaries become very swollen and painful.  This can cause rapid weight gain, abdominal pain, vomiting and shortness of breath. It is a very serious condition.

I have pretty much all of it but vomiting.

I took the day off and took it easy.

Put my feet up, stayed out of the heat, and drank a lot of Gatorade.

Day 6:

This is the only day that I didn't take a picture since I looked the same as the picture above.

I had to mow grass...bad decision. 

Shot sucked and made a really big mistake that made me jab myself four times instead of the normal two times.

FYI:

 If you are doing IVF or IUI with Follostim make sure you keep track of how much you have left in the vial.

Follostim comes in a vial that you put into a pen. You dial to what your dose is then jab, press the top until it says 0, wait a few seconds, and pull it out.

This is what I did:

1. Dial to what the dose was.

2. Jab.

3. Press until it stopped.

4. Noticed the pen was not at 0.

5. Put a new needle on.

6. Jab again. (nothing happened)

7. Checked the vial: EMPTY

8. New vial

9. Dial to what I needed

10. Jab yet again to administer the rest of medication

Then I had to give myself my Menopur shot.

Good ole' Menopur.

I have that shot.

It burns.

I feel that everything that starts with M-E-N will give you problems.

Menstruation

Menopause

Menopur

Men

Anyway....

That brings me to today.

Smaller than what I was, but still big, swollen, bruised, and sore.

I can't touch my stomach without it hurting, but still have to.

I have a doctors appointment in the morning so I hope that goes well.

I want to write this and share it for those that have questions, not to scare anyone.

The process sucks, I'm not going to sugar coat that.

But, the end result is worth it.

Plus, labor will be TONS worse than a few shots in the stomach.

After hearing my sons heartbeat I would do this process a dozen times over.

Does it suck?

Yes

Does it hurt?

Yes

Do I wish I could get pregnant the old fashioned way?

Of course...

I mean who wouldn't?

Am I shy?

Not any more.

I used to be, but now I have no shame when it comes to who sees my downstairs at the doctors office.

I hate saying that, but it is true.

If you are family reading this, I want you to know that if I'm not around this is why.

I'm big, gross, and just want to eat and sleep.

I will be "normal" in a week or so.

If you are reading this from a fertility stand point, don't be put off by IVF.

All of this is worth it in the end.

I mean look at me.

This is my second time and we all want the same result...a baby....a family.....a chance.

I will update next week on what is going on.

Make sure that you tune in and follow our journey to get our family.

Next week I will start one more shot...Cetrotide.

Then retrieval.

(I'm going to try and get some shots before I get caught)

Thanks for hanging out and reading all of this mess.

If you are doing this, you are in my thoughts and know you aren't alone.

Pushing Forward

As I sit here my heart still hurts, but slowly moving toward new plans.

Over a week ago I started the process of IVF again.

Taking birth control, eating some what healthy meals, and taking vitamins again.

Today, I ordered all of the medications that I will be taking and injecting over the next three weeks.

Those by the way are not cheap, but thankfully insurance helps with a lot of that cost!

I thought that this time would be like the first. Nervous, stressful, worrisome, painful, and exciting.

However, its only painful.

Painful in the sense of I shouldn't be doing this right now, I should still be pregnant, and I shouldn't have to deal with all of this.

All of these thoughts swirl in every ones head after having a loss and doing IVF/IUI.

I have given myself the normal three months they suggested and started this all over.

Not that it matters much since it is what I have to do to get our family, but it stinks.

I would much rather have swollen feet, back sweat, and all day sickness than do this all over again.

I haven't talked about my loss much, but still miss our little boy more and more as I get closer to that due date.

A date that when comes, I will have nothing.

A date that will be just another day to most, but to me, a birthday that should have been.

It is bitter sweet as I would have been due just a week before my own birthday and a week after my husbands.

When I found out I kept thinking we could all do something in one weekend for all three of us.

Now that date will forever be a different celebration.

A day that many babies will share, but not our little boy.

Not many people get it and I don't expect them too.

This isn't their journey and they have most likely been blessed with hoards of children.

Those that aren't so lucky get to do this.

When we did IVF before, the drive was a little over two hours, now since we have moved it's around an hour or a little more.

Much better than getting up at 4am and leaving at 5am for an appointment at 7am.

Not to mention those meds make me less of a morning person that what I already am.

So I am looking forward to having that extra little time in the morning and I know my doctor is too.

Let's get to the good stuff about what is happening right now and where we stand.

Birth Control

How backwards is that?

I want to get pregnant, not prevent it.

Birth control prevents pregnancy, but it also calms everything down.

This is the worst part for me.

I know what you are all thinking...you have to have shots in the stomach and birth control is the worst for you..are you crazy?!?

Nope, birth control makes me hungry, put on weight, moody, tired, and break out.

I would add two weeks of shots just so I wouldn't have to take those stupid little pills.

Not only that, but I can never remember to take them.

Thankfully I set a reminder on my phone to tell me when I have to take them and go from there.

Who knew that one little pill could cause so much drama in my life.

It is only for two full weeks and then they add two extra days in there for good measure.

This is only the start, but glad I'm getting to my shots.

Wow...did I really just say that

Anyway, half way through the pack of pills I start to hate everyone including my uterus for letting me down.

That is where I am right now.  The hate everyone and everything place.

I'm hungry, but really don't want food.

I'm tire, but really don't want to sleep.

I want to see people, but really don't want to talk to them.

Oh the joys of hormones.

Soon it will be over....maybe.

I have only have a week left of pills then I go to the doctor for my first ultrasound.

This ultrasound will see how the ovaries and uterus look.

I will get a three day break from pills then will move onto the shots.

Not the fun kind that you do in college, but they do come in different colors...

trying to make the best of a bad situation.

It's hard to think about if this round of IVF will give us our baby that we long for.

Hard to think about numbers rising, belly growing, showers, and another due date.

To be honest, I'm not excited like I was the first time, I'm just going with the motions.

Doing what I have to do to be that mother that I long to be.

Taking the dreadful pills, the burning shots, and loopy meds for retrieval.

It is too soon to tell if I will be excited about being PUPO, or to see the heartbeat the first time.

Loss changes our outlook on everything that comes to start again.

Will this be it?

Will this be out take home baby?

Will I feel the same as I did the first time?

Is my son mad that I am trying again?

Is it too soon to try again?

All of these questions come to me weekly and will never stop.

Life has a way of pushing you forward.

Making you move toward the future and not dwindle in the past.

See birth control...mad, sad, funny, then sad again.

This process I am starting to feel is just being female, but who knows.

So that is the update that is.

I will be on birth control for another week then doctors appointment.

I will update this blog weekly on Fridays.

 Showing the process, belly bloat that will happen, shots, and moods that come with IVF.