Trying to Forget

Today has been a day of trying to forget.

Remembering a time in your life that has hard, but from many years ago.

One of my Grandfather's passed away 14 years ago today.  Looking back at that time I didn't quiet understand what was going on even if I was old enough too.

I have lost people before, but not like this.

As we get older we tend to understand more clearly what is happening.  We won't be able to see them, hear them, or touch them ever again.  We can close our eyes and see what they were, watch videos to hear their voice, and hold on to what they have touched.  these things will never replace or come close to how it was.

It has always been said that with death comes new life.  For every life given one must be taken.  We all have a death sentence.  I mean we hear these all of the time, but do we really believe it?

All but the last one can be taken how one wants.

As I look at social media tonight there was someone that announced that they were expecting (no surprise there) yet on another part further down, one person had lost a loved one.  I can see how that statement can be true.  I hate that it might be, but either way you have to decide it for yourself.

I will always have a hard time this with day, no matter the time in my life.  Fourteen years later and I still remember the day as if it were today.  Most of us have a hard time remembering the good, but never the bad.  Our world would be a better place if we remember all of the good, and only few bad.

I know that what I am going through will stay with me all of my life.  it might not be the worst thing and there might be others that are going through worse, but for me not having children is the worst.

For my family losing a parent is the worst.  For those that knew my Grandfather he was one of a kind.  Kind soul, caring, loving, and didn't have much to say, but when he did you listened,  I wish my husband would have gotten to meet him, but that would have been almost 10 years later.

I always wonder what my Grandfather would think about me now.  Would he be proud?  Would he be able to give me advise about what I should do?  Would things still be the same?

There are times that I just wish I could see him, hear him, and get a hug.  That is where those stairs to Heaven would be nice.  However, I have not found those and the closest thing that I will ever get to those things is in my dreams.

I pray for those that are bringing life into this world for you need to know how short life really is.

You need to understand that you will have struggle and that you should understand that going into this.

Make sure that you understand that God has given you this life because he can.  Take care of it and yourself, because life is short.

If you leave with only a few things from this make sure those things are.  Love your loved ones and hold them close, you never know when it will be "that" time.  Understand that life can be given, but also taken at any point also.  That baby that you have means that you are lucky and blessed.

Detour

My last "blog" was back in April of 2015..WOW!

So much has changed in that almost year.  I need to get better about writing like I said I would.

Here is the quick update on what has been going on with me.  Still NO baby, however I have now found out more to the reason why.

In Aug of 2015 I decided that my doctor was not doing enough and I wanted to get a second opinion as to what could be going on.  My husband was getting ready to deploy for the second time and wanted some type of answer before he left.  Knowing how I felt for so many years and in the back of my mind why...those suspicions were confirmed.  My new doctor was amendment to get me into surgery to confirm that I had.....ENDOMETRIOSIS.

My husband had left in Sept 2015 and in the same month had surgery.  This was only to take about an hour and a half.  They make a few keyhole incisions, go in by robot, look for growth outside of the uterus.  Well, 3 hours later I finally was out of surgery.  It was evident that I had the worst of the worst....Stage 4 Endometriosis.

Most people have a small hint of "Endo" and most never know that they have it.  Then there are people like myself that know, but suffer in silence because it is "normal" or "in your head."  

***If you feel that you have this PUSH PUSH PUSH to be checked.

After I had my surgery I spent the a few weeks making sure that I was recovering the right way.  I could tell a huge difference in how I was feeling each month.  That was until my doctor wanted us to try in October for a baby and if that didn't work then I would have to start birth control in Dec.

Fast forward to December since we didn't get pregnant.  I was put on Lupron.  A shot that would stop me from having a cycle for a month, then I would take another one in Jan that would last for three months.  In Dec, I received my first shot, still had a cycle (fun.) In Jan had another shot, no cycle.  I thought hey this is going to work after all.  I was wrong....again!  :( 

That brings everyone up-to-date to where I sit right now.  My husband is still deployed and won't be home until late summer.  I am still having cycles.  Still have no baby.

I ask myself daily Why? Why not? How? Why you and not me? It sounds selfish, but put yourself in my shoes.  I have been with my husband for almost 10 years this year and married for almost 7.  Out of those 7 years we have been trying for 5 years.  Most of our friends are starting on their third child, while we still sit and wait for one.

I am bitter.  There I said it.  I am an angry and bitter person now.  When we started it was an adventure.  Five years later, I want to drop kick every person that "didn't try" to get pregnant.  I'm sorry, but if you aren't on birth control, using protection, and still having "adult time" then you are trying.  Go ahead and tell yourself that you aren't, but you are.  Seeing people that have been married all of a split second, that aren't even on their own, have never had a struggle, and they are pregnant.  I mean come on!!!!  Tell me how I wouldn't be bitter.

Then to put the cherry on top, my sister; who has only recently started getting her life together, told me that she was going to try to get pregnant starting in Sept of this year also.  From the time that we were little she never wanted kids, but now BAM she does.

Most of my days I am walking around with a smile on my face, but on the inside there is nothing.

It's almost as black as the black hole.  

My heart hurts, my eyes are never dry, pain is constant, and no motivation.  When I pray it is to take the pain away and for my husband to find happiness that I can't give to him.

I will never be alright with never being able to have our own children.  There is something that being able to create something from the one that you love most in the world and something from you that is special.

Knowing when I was little that wanting to always be a wife and mother is what I wanted more than life, now not being able to be a mother and just a wife, is heartbreaking and soul crushing.

When God made us, he knew what he was doing.  We don't know his plan, if I did I'm sure that I wouldn't be writing this.  My husband, love him I really do, but we all have those days where we just want to smack them, told me that this has made me a bitter and heartless person.  It has, I'll be honest, the first step is to admitting that you have a problem and I do.

This is what I have to say.  When going to my meeting the other weekend, my radio stopped on a sermon that was being told.  I never listen to these things and to be honest I tried to change the station more than once for I didn't want to hear the message, but it wouldn't budge.  The message was about road blocks and detours.  We have all come across them at one point or another in driving.  I never thought about it in my life.  The pastor was talking about how when we see a detour we take it right there so we don't get lost, we follow the signs, and eventually get to where we are going.  Then there are others, who keep going to the very last minute and turn in the direction that they need to go, follow that until they come to a cross, turn, continue until finally you have to get out a map to see where you are.  Once you get out the map you realize that you should have just followed the detour signs, but you finally after more time than you should have, you find your destination.  

I finally realized that maybe I am the second person.  I try to see how close I can get to something and not just follow the signs.  There are times that when looking for something we miss what is right in front of us to begin with.  We spend all of our time and energy on what we want and not what we have.  Right now I am just lost in the middle of nowhere and I have to get my map out to find my way to where I am going.

If you have read all of this, I'm surprised and glad.  If you take only one thing from all of this, don't be bitter and heartless, you will find your way back from the road block.  In the meantime, enjoy the ride, for when you do reach your destination, you will be able to get out, stretch your legs, and enjoy the reward of finding your way.

Worth the Wait?

Tonight I was looking back and reading my old blogs.  I was reminded of my journey that my husband have been on for over 3 years.

A journey for a baby.

The last time that I updated we weren't really doing anything other than trying to eat better and I was taking medication to help with some issues.  We tried IUI (intrauterine insemination).  Just like it sounds, it wasn't the best time.  We tried this four times and then were told that the only other chance to have a baby was to do IVF with ICSI.  Something that costs upwards of $12,000, if not covered by any insurance.

I felt my heart shatter that day.  Since that day it has almost been another year of trying.  If I had to count the amount of people that have had children or are pregnant now that met YEARS after my husband and I, well...I would be crying in that corner yet again and they would have to put me in a padded room.

During my medicated cycles I gain A LOT of weight.  Normally I weigh around 95 to 97 pounds, while on the medication I was around 107 that is a lot for me.  People honestly would see me out and did not know who I was.  During holidays people were asking if we were pregnant and I could see it in their faces as to happy they were going to be for us.  I wasn't and I was just fat.  I couldn't get into my own pants and had to buy maternity clothes to wear.

My family knows pretty much what is going on, some of my friends, and a few on my husbands side. I know that there are people on both sides that will end up pregnant, but those that I don't expect it to happen to, and those that are young and what I consider stupid...those are the ones that hurt.  Those that meet their "other half" and then get married and find out that they are expecting all in under four months...that dagger just digs in deeper.  Those that already have kids and have more...it hurts.

I have tried and tried to stay positive, be happy, not let it get to me, BUT, it is hard to let those things roll off your back when they do not know what you are dealing with.  My typical month while on the medicated cycles were:  Start cycle day 1, pills days 3-7, ultrasound, shots, ultrasound, IUI, rest for a day, pregnancy symptoms due to medication for two weeks, and then start over when it didn't work.  This takes a toll on your body and not to mention your mind.  I was moody, sick, bloated, and hungry.

Now, after three years you would think that I would be used to dealing with crap.  With my husband in the Army I know how to be flexible and deal with things that are thrown my way.  However, dealing with him being gone for months, trying to have a baby, him being on a deployment, trying again for a baby, and now another deployment...I CAN FINALLY SAY...UGHHH!!!!

Trying to have a baby is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do.  These are the things that they do not tell you about in school.  These are the things that parents do not talk about, most likely because they had you within a year of trying.  These are the things that NO ONE TALKS ABOUT.  People are ashamed of infertility....wait I said I have that term...being pregnancy challenged.

After Easter this year and finding out that yet ANOTHER person was pregnant (yes I mentioned this above about being stupid), I broke down.  I was hurt, broken, and mad.  I was mad at her, her family, me, my husband, but most of GOD.  Now as I have mentioned before GOD has been a struggle for me.

How can someone give those that just met, one night stands, on drugs, kids, but those that sit here like us and try year after year we get nothing.  I understand that there is a need for patience, but enough is enough.  I have turned into a bitter and unhappy person.  My husband and I honestly aren't the same in this area anymore.  It was fun for the first six months, now it is a chore to try.  We have tried not trying, tried trying, and not tried not trying to try to do anything.

Almost everyone now asks us about kids.  We avoid the conversation either all together or change the subject.  Everyone says wouldn't it be nice if you had kids before your husband left, or you'll understand when you have kids.  These types of comments hurt the worst.

This is where the title comes into play.  Is it worth the wait?

Is it honestly worth the pain that we have dealt with?

My answer always was a simple absolutely.

Now my answer has changed.  Understanding what it takes to become a parent, the worry, the selflessness, the sacrifice, and the time; my answer is still yes, but the hurt is not.  I cry because I may never know what it will be like to carry a child, to hold a newborn, having sleepless nights, being called mom, the first tooth, teaching them to ride a bike, play catch, go fishing, having them grow up to be like mom and dad, heartbreaks, first loves, graduations, weddings, and becoming grandparents.

These are the things that I will miss.  I pray not only for a child every day, but I pray for my husband to love me no matter what, kids or no kids.  I pray for morning sickness, swollen feet, backaches, and the biggest belly every.

In short I don't have to be happy for those that are pregnant, but I can smile and be happy that they are happy.  Will it make it easier for me...no, but it will make things better for everyone.  I don't have to be around them I don't have to understand why they were given a blessing and mine was taken.  What I do have to understand is that I have a husband that will love me no matter what, a family that will stick by me, and friends that will pick me up when I'm down.  I have come to know a lot of people that are dealing with the same thing and that has been nice to have people to talk to that understand.

One day I will find out why we have to wait for things.  Until then the wait will continue. So until it does happen I will write, talk, and not be quiet any longer.  We are just one couple dealing with infertility out of millions.  This is our story day by day about what happens, what we feel, and how I deal or I don't.

Worry

We all think about different things in a day.  What am I going to wear?  Will I do well today?  Am I living the life that I am supposed to be living?  What if we don't have enough money to pay our bills?

These things are just apart of our everyday lives and yet do we really talk to anyone about they.  

Worry is something that everyone keeps telling us to stop doing.  Worry makes you stressed, is what I hear almost on a daily basis.  Do I do anything about it?  That answer would be a NO.

Having to deal with everything that has been going on in the last few years has not only been stressful, but it puts a lot on ones heart.  I take a step back and think about all of those that have bigger problems than I do.  Those people that just told their loved one goodbye, a loved one telling their other half goodbye for good.  Those that have lost a child, a parent, family member, those that are dying of cancer, the ones that do not have a place to sleep or food to eat.  These are much bigger issues than what I have right now.

We all need to take a step back and think to ourselves how can we put those feelings aside to do something selfless for someone else.  In the news you only hear about the bad.  What if for one day we only heard about the GOOD and not the BAD.  What if he hear about the young man that saved a lady while crossing the street and not about the lady that was hit by a car because no one helped her.

We seek out the bad in our life and focus on that and not the good that has been.  More times than not I think about others having children while I sit here and don't.  If I put those feelings aside, my life is blessed.  I have a wonderful family, great friends, a job, I got to grow up with my grandparents, and was welcomed into another home that have more family than I know what to do with.  Instead of looking back at the last two years as something that was hard, I look at it as something that helped me grow.  If you can put a positive spin on life could the outcome become different. 

Think about the good in your life.  One day that good may be gone and only a memory.  Those memories are what keep you going.  You live one life and that life should not be something that has left you emotional drained.  This life should be full of happiness.

Proverbs 16:20 He that handles a matter wisely shall find good: and whoever trusts in the LORD, happy is he.

Slacker

Here I am once again being a slacker in my blog.  I am going to make this a quick update and a have a few small updates on what has been going on.  Oh...and maybe a quick recipe.

 

For the last two months nothing has really changed.  We have decided to let Him bless us when He is ready.  We are still having fun and not taking everything really serious.  One of my friends told me to just relax and to just not stress about it all.  In the last two years that is all I have done is stress about having kids.  Knowing you want something so bad and can't have it takes a toll.  So this plan is what we have come up with.

 

In the next six months we are not going to worry, stress, test, think, or obsess over it.  We are going to eat better, spend time together, and work toward a better us.  Going to church, work, fish, see family, and just be together is what we need right now.  Yes, this will be hard; but it is what we need right now.  We will try, but not be disappointed if it does not happen.  Something that I am happy to say that I am looking forward to.

 

On to other things.  I have finished school (YAYY!!)  I got all A's and this is a surprise to me, but on the other hand a very easy thing since that was all that I had done.  Now to find a job that is different than what I have with a little less stress.

 

When I was thinking the other night about food nothing was coming to mind, but then just when I needed it a friend sent me a link to some healthy foods.  I found that the foods that I like the most a simple and they are somewhat healthy if used the correct way.  On this site I found an easy yet very healthy recipe that I had everything that I needed...which well never happens!

Orange-Balsamic Glaze Chicken

 1 pack of chicken thighs
1/4 cup of balsamic vinegar
1/2 cup of orange marmalade
1/2 cup of chicken stock
poultry seasoning
rosemary
green onions
pepper
olive oil

1.  Dry off the chicken thighs
2. Season with the poultry seasoning and pepper.
3. In a hot pan add the olive oil and the thighs season side down and brown (about 5 minutes)
4.  In a bowl add the orange marmalade, chicken stock, and balsamic vinegar.
5.  Once the chicken is brown on both sides and a pinch of rosemary and the liquid mixture.
6.  Let this simmer for almost 5 minutes until it makes a glaze.
7.  At the very end add the diced green onions.

This is easy and can be served with rice and some type of veggie!  My husband loves this meal and asks for it on a regular basis.

That is all that has been going on and if anyone is really reading this leave a comment on what you would like to know!
 



New Year...New Me

Here is the first week updates on what is going on.

I have to start with saying this...MY HUSBAND COMES HOME NEXT MONTH!!!!

Next, I have started back with classes...crazy!

Working on getting in shape again.

I have started to take EPO again so we will see how this works out.  I have to take it twice a day with food.

I have also started taking my Prenatal vitamins to ensure that I am getting healthier and I am taking these with an extra Iron pill.  

On top of those three pill I take a tablespoon of guaifenesin and that is found in tussin cough syrup. (YUCK)

I have a friend coming up to visit this week.

Next week I have a meeting for what to expect for when my husband comes home.

I have lots of school work and regular grown-up job work.

Food!

I have to eat a little over 2050 calories a day to keep my weight where I need it to be to be healthy.

I eat almost all day if I can, sometimes it is harder than others.

A normal day will be breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, snack, dinner, snack.

I will eat healthy in the mornings since I cannot have milk or any type of dairy I will eat some type of fruit.

My snacks will be anything from nuts all the way to some type of oats, trail mix, and peanut butter.

This way it is healthy and will last more than just a couple of minutes.

As promised here is a recipe that I made this week:

Mississippi Roast

1 chuck roast (any size that you want)

1 packet of Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing Mix

1 packet of McCormick Au Jus Gravy Mix

4 or 5 Pepperoncinis (hot/spicy, regular, any will do)

1 Stick of butter

What you are going to do is this:

Put your roast in a crock-pot.

  Pour the Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing Mix over roast.

(I made sure that the dressing mix covered all sides of the roast)

You are going to do the same thing with the Au Jus Gravy packet just make sure you get all sides of the roast.

Now, you are going to put those peppers right on top of the roast.

Put the the stick of butter in the middle of the peppers.

Cover and put on low for 7-8 hours if you do not want to wait that long put it on high for 4-5 hours.

"God grant me the courage not to give up what I think is right, even though I think it is hopeless"

Chester Nimitz

Many times there are those that want to give up on HOPE, FAITH, and TRUST.  These are the times that we must hold onto those things.  I have felt that I have lost my HOPE in this struggle.  My FAITH has been tested.  Yet my TRUST in Him is still strong.  I am not saying that my trust has always been there, but I know that He knows that it has and that I have just lost my way.

God knows what I do not know.  There is a lesson to be learned, a path to be found, and struggles to be had before he gives us what we want.  God does not give us what we want, He gives us what we need to understand first.

I have found that He knew my husband was leaving and that I needed to learn patience first. He knew that I would have a hard time, but knew that I needed to find Him and my way.  I have FAITH that everything is going to work.  I have HOPE for the future that will come for my husband, myself, and our family.

A New Year!

I am going to doing a weekly update about food, thoughts, and infertility.  (I hate that word so from now on infertility will be known as pregnancy challenged.)

Here lately my brain has been full of thoughts about my husband coming home SOON!

When he left it was spring, so every time the weather changed I felt like a milestone was made.

Before he left we had been trying to get pregnant for months and no luck.  During that time we tried a few different things, tests, and other stuff.  Then when he left I continued to do different things to increase our chances.

I have completely changed my diet for starters.  I used to eat fast food, fried stuff, a lot of pop, just not anything healthy.  Since he has left I have started taking daily vitamins, no pop, no dairy, nothing fired, and I only eat out once a week or less if I can.  Trying to gain weight to be healthy to see if that will help our chances.  I eat mostly baked items and no red meat if possible, also salads.

Getting asked the question when are you going to have kids, have you thought about kids, do you want kids.  Is very hard.  You can ask my husband every month that we were trying and nothing happened I would break down and say that God hated us.  It seemed like everyone else around us got pregnant right away and with no issues.  Since he has left on this deployment I have gotten closer to God and realized that is not the case.  Everyone gives advice and only He can decide when it is our time.

Taking the stress off when my husband comes home we will be trying again and praying that this time it all works out.  With not a lot of stress and just glad that we have time together.  However, it just so happens that when he will be coming home is when it will be our "time" and hope that it works.  If not we will be on vacation the month after in the beautiful Punta Cana.

The things that we are going to be trying when he comes home are as follows, evening promise oil, pre-seed, drinking guaifenesin, more water, and less stress.  We hope that these things will be able to help us get to where we need to go since the doctors do not know why we are not conceiving.  I will give updates on how this all works weekly.

Enough about that here is a wonderful recipe for baked chicken that I eat almost all of the time.

2 Chicken Breasts

1/2 tablespoon of fresh rosemary

1 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon of pepper

1 teaspoon of lemon zest

1 teaspoon of lemon juice

1 tablespoon of olive oil

1. Preheat the oven to 450

2. Pat the chicken dry

3. Mix rosemary, salt, pepper, zest, juice, and olive oil together.  Then rub mixture all of chicken on all sides.

4.  Put the chicken in a roasting pan breast down.  After 15 minutes of roasting turn to breast side up.  Roast for another 20-35 minutes.  

This is easy as pie.  I put mine with some corn and potatoes.  It is a very quick meal that you can make right after work.  I even make mine a then freeze the other half.  It is very healthy for you too!